"Contemporary society generally views the family as a haven from the world, supplying absolute fulfilment. Zinn and Eitzen discuss the image of the "family as haven [...] a place of intimacy, love and trust where individuals may escape the competition of dehumanizing forces in modern society". During industrialization, "[t]he family as a repository of warmth and tenderness (embodied by the mother) stands in opposition to the competitive and aggressive world of commerce (embodied by the father). The family's task was to protect against the outside world."
-Wikipedia, listing for Family: sociological views
What do you think about Family? What IS a family, what does it mean to you? Is it just your children and significant other? Does it include your siblings? Your "adopted" family? Your cousins? Aunt and Uncles? Grandparents? People who are very close to you?
These days a family can be made up so many ways. There is the traditional family: a Mother, a Father, their children. The modern family: Mother, Father, Step-Mother, Step-Father, children, step-children. 2 mothers, 2 fathers. . . etc. And then there is the extended family, the aunts and uncles and cousins and second cousins and friends of the family and grandparents and so much more.. But honestly what do all of these people have in common?
They are supposed to LOVE EACH OTHER. Protect each other, look out for one another and build each other up. Being around family is supposed to be an escape from the outside pressures, it is supposed to be like coming home, the feeling of unconditional love and support. Too often these days that is not the case. Instead of spending our time making our family members feel loved we spend our precious time together bickering about meaningless crap. Arguing over money and things that can not be undone, using up our energy to one up each other and blame each other and make each other feel unwanted. . . What is the point in this? Aren't we beaten up enough by life? Hasn't the world already done enough damage to our self esteems by the time we make it home at night or to a family gathering? Is the economy and harsh reality of bills and raising children and careers and trying to be perfect and being judged by the world for not being smart enough, or wealthy enough, or skinny enough, or pretty enough, or funny enough.. . not too much already, that we feel the need to further that by shaming and yelling and ignoring the people who are supposed to love us unconditionally and adding one more brick to their load?
Not to be a smart ass but Webster's Dictionary (and honestly where else would you go for a definition) defines Unconditional as : "not conditional or limited" with some of its synonyms as :all-out, complete, definite, absolute.
Does this sound like the way we are loving each other? When siblings don't talk, or tell the truth, when you need someone to turn to and instead of calling your mom you call your best friend? When you need someone to lean on and rather than admitting it to your family you hide things from them? When you fear what your parents will think? When you can't be in the same room as a member of your family that you grew up in the same household with? When you can't move past something dumb that happened YEARS ago and instead live your life as if someone never existed, whether that be someone from the same womb, the person who gave you life, or simply a relative by marriage? And for what? Pride? Out of habit? Do any of these sound like unconditional love to you?
Life is said to be over in the blink of an eye. Ask the oldest person you know what they would do differently if given the chance and I can almost promise you they would have been angry less and loved more. Why? Because that is what is meaningful in life. That is all you can leave behind when you are gone. Whether you believe in a higher power or not is irrelevant to the fact that it goes by way too fast, and when you are gone you can not relive the moments you let pass. You will never hear someone say "I wish I had been angrier at him" or "I wish I had yelled at him one last time" at a funeral. No parent who has lost a child is ever going to feel that their last argument with their child was justified when it's the last conversation they got to have. No child will ever feel that their years apart from their father or mother were ok when there is no way to ever say you are sorry, no way to say goodbye.
It all starts and ends with Family. Without it we are nothing. Stop spending so much time holding a grudge and opening your mouth to allow negative words and tones out and instead open your arms to the sister going through an unwanted divorce, the brother who made a bad decision, the husband who lost his job, the mother who is overwhelmed, the grandmother who just lost her friend, the child who is feeling left out. A harsh word will never fix anything, but a hug and a smile can fix a lot.
Band together, create that safe haven that so often is missing, and refuse to allow the outside world in, and instead declare family time negative free, yelling free. It may amaze you to see the relief and communication and progress that can happen when someone feels relaxed rather than on edge. The world will not fall apart if for just a few hours a week everyone could feel free to be themselves, without judgement and fear.
So here is to a prayer that my children will never feel judged by me. That they may never feel that they can't talk to me about anything at all, and that they never grow to big to cry on my shoulder and call me mommy.
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