Welcome to life; A pamphlet of disillusionment.

   I know I have said this before, but I really wish that there was a class in high school that taught you what adulthood was really like.  If I had to study and pass a class that shared life's realities with me I think I would be a much better rounded person. Of course it would be like a 16 year old being talked to about speeding tickets.. we would have assumed that none of these things would ever happen to us... Not that I would know about getting a speeding ticket, (currently knocking on wood as I type one handed)  I have only been pulled over once and it was for an out headlight. . Ian on the other hand.. speeder.
   I have decided that one day I will volunteer at a local school to teach this class. It will be called "Welcome to Life, Where Your Opinions and Feelings Only Count If You Pay Your Bills On Time"
and here is the midterm:
 

Midterm Exam: Things you will need to know, unlike how to divide fractions and the chemical makeup of rocks.

(select as many as apply)

 

1. Bill Collectors will call you :
         a. Monday through Friday
         b. Anytime day or night regardless of what time you went to bed, or if your child was up until 4 am vomiting.
         c. Never, if you pay your bills before the due date.
         d. You mean if I forget to turn something in people will hassle me for it rather than just let me slide?

2. Children will throw a fit:
        a. When you are home.
        b. Out in public in a busy store when you are running late, have to pee and realize that even though you thought you were finished shopping you forget both of the items you actually came to the store for, which are conveniently located in the back, and there is only 1 register open.
         c. In the middle of a parking lot
         d. As soon as your infant falls asleep for a much needed nap time when you have a bazillion things to do.

3. You will fight with your spouse/ significant other:
        a. Immediately before a birthday party, family function or important gathering.
        b. On a holiday
        c. when you are way too tired to deal with this.
        d. never, we will always talk patiently and work things out before going to bed.  I won't even bother letting you chose this because you are delusional and it's a LIE.

4. Your bank account will overdraft at some point because :
         a. Your spouse will conveniently forget they spent $50 on something you think is stupid.
         b. You did not realize that a bill had not actually cleared your account and went out to dinner thinking you had the funds.
         c. Gas stations don't post for several days when you fill up.
         d. You thought that bill that comes out automatically was scheduled for the 15th, not the 10th.
         e. you have no idea, but now you owe $275 in overdraft fees, because a $1.29 drink just cost you an additional $35, better have been the best damn Pepsi you ever had!

5. You will catch the worst cold of your life:
        a. Conveniently on a weekend
        b. When you have no vacation days left for the year
        c. When you have something important to do at work
        d. When your spouse is out of town, leaving you with the kids and family coming into town next week.
        e. When both of the kids have been vomiting and the baby is teething, allowing you absolutely no down time.
        f. When the doctor can't fit you in for another week.
        g. When there is nothing for colds or pain relief in the house and the kids are finally asleep and the store is closed.

6. Tax season:
       a. Will be exciting because you can finally pay off those credit cards and past due bills.
       b. Will be dreaded because it will be gone 3 days later when all the above clear your account.
       c. Will be stressful, since as soon as you finish and submit them you get another letter in the mail marked "Important Tax Document"
       d. Will suck since you end up owing this year.

7. Your friends will:
       a. Always be your friends and be there when you need them
       b. Let you down without meaning to
       c. Forget you exist once you have children
       d. Start a bunch of drama that you thought was over in the 10th grade, but apparently even though you own a house we are all still 12
       e. What friends? I haven't left the house without being covered in snot, breast milk or dog hair in 3 years.
       f. Move far far away.


**** Next Semester we will cover the following:

-Failed relationships

-How voting works and the months of political mumbo jumbo that you will endure before any sort of election, which is always

- Why buying a house is about as hard as shoving a 400 lb person in your Civic trunk.

- Why your Honda is no longer cool

- Moving back in with your parents

- Mysterious charges on your bank statement

-Alcohol Poisoning and hangovers

- Personal Property tax (also known as "damn, how did I forget about that?"

-How to remove a boot from your vehicle in a bar parking lot when you forget about Personal Property Taxes

- Drug Dealing neighbors

-Paying your own car insurance, and how getting a ticket affects this.

 

For Extra Credit:

   Go home and ask your parents who cleans the oven, the litter box and what a meal plan is.