unsolicited relationship advice

   Ian and I have not always had a terrific marriage. I have talked a little about that in the past, but as you know we are doing great. Our 5 year anniversary is literally just around the corner and we are happier together than we have ever been. With that said, I wish I had known getting married that the things that attracted me to my husband most would change. Not that he has changed them, but I have.
   Dating, I loved that he was funny, that he smelled nice, that he enjoyed kissing. Now... I like when he does the dishes. strange? perhaps, but.. honestly... it is the best thing ever.
   So, that's not the only thing I like about him, if it was we would not have the wonderful marriage we do, because that's a rare occasion. What gave us a great marriage was following some great advice and reading the book The 5 Love Languages .  I highly recommend it to anyone having issues in a relationship of any sort. It helps pull your head out of your own butt and see things the way they are.
   In that book I learned that Ian's language is what is called "Acts of Service" meaning that he feels most loved when I do things for him. Mine is "Quality Time". That aside, nothing makes me willing to give this man a back rub like when he finally cuts the grass and I don't have to nag him anymore.
   Who would have ever thought to tell a 21 year old girl on her wedding day that in 5 years his crows feet were going to be adorable and the fastest way to bring back the rose colored glasses was watching him be a great dad, followed by waking up in the morning to a clean living room.
    The fact is that love changes. Not because you want it to but because you take your better half for granted. You stop getting up early to make them breakfast, you stop remembering to put your shoes on the steps instead of the middle of the living room, because you are no longer trying to impress them, you are comfortable. In a relationship though, the things that never bothered you before will suddenly drive you nuts.
  To him its the way I load the dishwasher, to me its his beard hair in the sink. The more things drive you crazy, the harder you have to work to see past them. My goal is to never resent Ian for the fact that he hates to put away the laundry, and is blind to the clutter on tables that drive me insane. And instead to fall in love with him all over again every morning when he tells me I am beautiful, and he laughs at my stupid jokes. To admire him for going to work every day to come home and deal with me, sometimes at my worst, and to still kiss me goodnight. I push through the frustrations and remind myself that he too is human, he gets mad and tired and is not here to do as I ask, but instead to be my partner.
   The longer we are married the harder we have to work. You lose sight of the little things, like the way he smiles at me for no reason, and the fact that he sits quietly through my terrible choices in television shows, and begin to focus on the times that he forgot to take something out of the freezer, or didn't get around to something he told me he would do.
   Here is what matters though, that we still show each other love in the way that they need to be shown, that we teach our children how to stay married and happy. That we show them that you don't have to let yourself be comfortable and forget that the other person still has needs and desires, that when one changes, the other adapts.
   I don't ever want to show them the bad sides of our marriage. They should not see the selfishness that we once had. Or the times when we said hurtful things, because those things can never be unsaid, once they are out in the air they have permanently poisoned your relationship. It took months to fix the damage that hasty words caused, and therefore we teach them not to say hurtful things out of anger, but instead to always apologize, always forgive and turn to someone you love for help when you need it.
   I needed to remind myself that my love tank can only be full when I make an effort to fill his. It's not always easy, but it really boils down to you can only get out what you put in. I can't expect my husband to be perfect because I am not, and I can't expect him to never lose his temper because I do. But if I can do something to make those times less frequent, that is my job as his wife, and as many times as he has diffused my melt downs through pregnancy and hormones, he deserves to have a tank full of love and to feel special. He has his flaws, but he is pretty amazing, even after 7 years.