Anyone who is married, ever has been married, or is in a long term relationship will admit that their significant other has at least one thing that could drive a saint bonkers. If they have yet to find it, they have not lived together long enough.
My husband is a wonderful man. Many of you have met him. He gives me everything I ask for. He loves me, even when I don't think I deserve his love. He is affectionate and sweet and a great father, he is funny, and sometimes down right maddening, but I love him with all I am.
With all that being said let's get down to business.. Ian is a deep sleeper. We are talking so deep that we have had full conversations, he has gotten out of bed and walked into another room, kicked me in the face.. I will explain momentarily... and even argued with me all while sleeping.
When Ian and I first began living together I learned this lesson the hard way. One night, approximately 3 am, I was rudely awakened by a swift kick to the face. Imagine how angry I was, laying in bed all cozy, dreaming some totally off the wall dream that could never possibly occur in real life, and WHAM.. right in the jaw. Sitting up, confused and ready to start yelling I find Ian on all fours digging in our bed. Yup. . digging. Ok, I no longer feel the urge to yell, but my rate of confusion is much much higher.
" Ian, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
" I am looking for something"
"What on earth are you looking for?"
"It doesn't matter."
"What do you mean it doesn't matter, what are you looking for."
At this point he sits back on his heels, turns around to face me and while looking me straight in the face gives me an exasperated look and responds with " The ABA"
" What in hell is the ABA and why are you looking for it in our bed?"
"Go back to bed Stacey, It doesn't matter you're not a member"
FOR REAL?!?!
"Ian, I am getting really pissed. You just kicked me in the face, what is the ABA?"
"The American Bowlers Association"
" So help me God Ian, GO BACK TO BED"
The following morning Ian has absolutely no recollection of these events. In similar events, he once used my ringing cell phone to search between the bed and the wall for "reverse." Climbed into bed with JT in the middle of the night for no reason, Ellie was still in a crib at this point so I was relieved that he bypassed her room, although he did open her door. He repeatedly fights me for the pillow that I sleep on, has gotten out of bed and started screaming at me occasionally leaving me in tears before climbing back in bed and resuming his snoring, and once even propped himself up and stared at me with the creepiest grin on his face I have ever seen, leaving me with the heebie jeebies.
A man who can sleep through all this activity still thinks that a sissy alarm clock is somehow going to wake him up. Every morning beginning at 7:30 am there is a series of beep beep beep's and BOOMP BOOMP BOOMP's that are a miserably failed attempt at waking him up. He can sleep through them like a baby, leaving me screaming at him and ripping the pillow out from under his peacefully sleeping head just for him to press a stupid snooze button. Lucky for me, 9 minutes later we get to go through it again. Sometimes he even leaves a phone downstairs, so I get to lay in bed glaring at him while it goes off for half an hour.
There is this alarm called Mr. Clocky. It has wheels, and after you press the snooze button it rolls itself off the table and hides itself somewhere in the room so the next time it goes off you have to get up and search for it. I considered spending the whatever money on it until I realized a few things.
1. I would inevitably be the one getting up and searching for it every morning.. mission get Ian out of bed failed.
2. the children would think it was a toy and it would end up going off in one of their closets. These children like their father can sleep though anything short of a bomb, unless of course you open their bedroom doors, in which case your hopes and dreams of getting anything done (like a few more minutes of sleep) are dashed quicker than you can turn around and run.
3. Reha would demolish it.
But look, it's actually kind of cute.
I will continue to devise an evil plan to wake Ian up without having to continue our exhausting morning routine of
"Turn it off"
"Turn what off? why are you so mad?"
"Your alarm has been going off for 20 minutes!! How do you not hear that? the whole house is awake now!"Until then, I am taking suggestions. And this is payback for the many mornings of lost sleep.
