Truth: It's impossible to treat your children equally, no matter how much you want to.
My brothers and I were not treated equally, and growing up I though that it was unfair, and intentional. As a parent I realize that it wasn't. My dad probably has no idea that it was that way, and I am ok with it. And here is why...
We are different people. We have different personalities and attitudes and we respond differently to things. I probably would have told you that that is bull as a teenager, mainly because I thought my parents were too strict.
I couldn't ride in the car with my friends when they first got their licenses, they had to show them to my parents so my parents knew they had had their license for 6 months or more before I was allowed in the car with them. I also had to have my license for 6 months before I could drive anyone anywhere. They DID check up on this. Just as they checked that I was where I said I was going to be and that I did what I said I was going to do. I saw this as ridiculous. But they did the same to my brothers so I fought it a bit less.
In hind sight I am so happy that they had these "ridiculous" rules. But when it came to punishment I always felt that mine were more strict than my brothers. I felt that they got away with more and that my brothers got to do more. I found this so unfair because I got better grades than my brothers, and I was a good kid. Sure I did some things I shouldn't have done, and I got in some trouble as a teen, of course I was not perfect, but I was a good kid.
Now that I have 3 kids though I understand that it has to be that way. My kids are as different as they can be on what works for punishment. JT responds well to a simple talking to and explaining that he can't behave that way and why. Ellie will just stare at you like you are from Jupiter if you try to talk to her the same way. And she will go right back to doing it. She responds best to being isolated (which can not always happen). She responds to being taken away from what she wants to be doing at that exact moment because she is like me, and when she is focused on something there are few less irritating things than being forced to walk away from that.
Honestly she is more like me than I like to admit. She is stubborn (no IDEA where she got that from) She is emotional, she is a goof and she likes things to be done the way she wants them to be done and when she wants it done. Obviously there is nothing wrong with that thought process, until it counteracts with what I want her to do and when I want her to do it. Then we have an issue.
JT is very much a rational thinker. While also emotional, to him things have to be logical and explained. He needs to know why. He does not forget easily and is hard to distract from certain tasks unless it is for something that makes sense. If we are leaving and he has to be interrupted from playing he needs to know where we are going and with whom. He is schedule oriented and thrives where he knows what is expected of him. He is also hesitant to try new things, so its a huge deal when he tries something without being asked. It is clear to me that there was a mental debate on what the possible outcomes could be and if it was worth it. He craves the praise that he gets when he does something nice or behaves well etc. Ellie just says "yeah" Mainly because she already knows she is awesome and feeding her ego is unnecessary. She just wants to share that experience with others, the best praise you can give her is a laugh. That is what she lives to do. I am interested to see what Porter needs. What his behaviors are, his reactions to discipline and praise.
In addition to having different personalities and responses, I have formed different bonds with each child. They feel loved in different ways, they are as different as Ian and I are and we have to learn to show them love in their way so they know that we care, we appreciate them, we respect them. I spend quality time with them in different ways just as my dad did with me. He took me on car rides, he showed me how to fix things, he let me talk to him while he worked on things, even though as an adult I know that it frustrates him to be interrupted. (notice a pattern here?) He helped my little brother with Boy Scouts stuff and he talked cars with my older brother. He played video games with them, he played monopoly with me.
While the time we spent with my dad was separate and different from each other, I learned that it does not mean that he loved any of us less, even though we joke that Charlie is the favorite. He kind of is, but its ok, he is the baby, and like it or not I will be bold and admit, as parents--- we all have a favorite. deny it if you want, its true. Not that you love any less, not that you dislike your children, not that you would save one over the other, or grieve one less, simply you bond more with one. They share your love language and that makes it easier to spend time together or fill their love tank. Your favorite sometimes changes too, stages are tough, back talking is annoying and children go through phases where they identify with one parent more than the other and for different reasons each time. I have yet to find a stage that I did not like, and while my oldest is still only 4 (a mere baby in life) there are times when I have felt closer to him and others, just as I have felt a bond and pull towards Ellie sometimes more than others. Having a favorite does not mean playing favorites, and there is a huge difference.
Treating them equally would mean that one felt less loved at times and that is never my goal as a mom. So when I am told that I treat my children differently, I take it as a compliment. I am happy that they are treated differently, it means that I know what they want and need from me. That sometimes I have to be more strict with one, expect more from the other, take it easy on one for a while and spend a little extra cuddle time here and there.
My children are far from starved for attention and love, and we teach them that life is not always fair. That sometimes someone will have something that you don't have, and that doesn't mean that you automatically get it because you want it. We teach them that you have to work for what you want and that you are responsible for your actions. We teach them the same morals and principles and attitudes, So I guess the best way for me to break this down is to tell you that my children are taught equally that they will never be treated equally, because I don't plan on raising them with the false pretense that the world will love them as much as I do and give them whatever they ask for without them deserving it. they will get what they deserve, they will get what they earn and they will be rewarded and disciplined accordingly. I wouldn't punish one for the others behavior so I should not reward one for the others accomplishment. In the same way I will not love one the way the others need to be loved. they will be loved as individuals not as a whole.
