A little piece of me

   Having 2 toddlers, I sometimes sit back and watch them interact. The inner monologue that follows goes something like this. .
  " Holy Cow, did they learn that from me? Please don't say what I think you are going to say. Why on EARTH do you DO that?!?! I really hope they don't get their fathers genes for ..."
   After one of these moments the other day I really started thinking about where we learn things that come so natural to us. Honestly, why do I dislike certain bands? Where did I learn to love seafood? Why do certain things make us laugh? And then I started recalling all of the people in my life, who I thought were fairly insignificant, and the ones that I knew were big in my past, but did not realize had shaped so much of my present as well.
   For instance. . . My very first Best Friend's name was Cayse. We lived down the street from each other. She had a love for popping the tar bubbles at the end of the street. Random right? We used to sit and pop all the bubbles that came up wherever we could find them, and talk about barbies and what we were going to be when we grew up. We also spied on her sisters, so I sure hope they are not reading this. . Luckily the spying did not stick, but the love for absent mindedly popping things never did.  I still enjoy fiddling while I talk. I love the sound that things make when they pop, even if it is loud enough to startle me. It brings me joy. We moved away from each other when I was 6.
   My Barbies used to have a pickup truck that I would put a plastic baggie in the bed of and fill up with water (when my mother was not looking of course) and allow Barbie and Ken to swim while they were riding around town( my room), One day I saw an El Camino. . It was love at first sight. It would be perfect for a full size version of my car-pool. .. . I still want one. . My husband thinks I am weird, but somewhere along the line it turned from any El Camino to a rusted out one with a CD player, and a built in GPS... . Because nobody would expect it. And its amazing.
   Soft Rock reminds me of my dad and road trips, I can only eat cinnamon Graham Crackers and they have to be eaten sugar side down, with milk. I refuse to walk inside a fast food place and order from the counter. I have to have a throw pillow when I sit on the couch and I can't drive with my shoes on. I love fuzzy socks and I can't STAND the feeling of micro fiber pockets. I don't like dark chocolate, and Ian thinks I pronounce the word "curtains" wrong. I refuse to eat at a table alone, and I don't like tennis shoes. I can't stand sports, and I love fishing. the smell of Red Bull makes me want to yak, and the idea of Vodka after my trip to Germany turns my stomach. From that trip though I also learned to love Nutella and I think that is a fair trade!- I can tell you exactly where all of these preferences came from.
   Certain friendships have developed out of a short term "boyfriend" that at this point I do nothing but laugh at the idea of, but the girl who liked that guy, I couldn't stand- for all of 2 weeks and then we were best friends for the rest of high school... Now I have 2 pretty close friends. . and none of us talk to those silly boys anymore.
   One of my favorite things in the world is the smell of fall. The smell of decomposing leaves, and fire in the air. The chilly wind blowing past my face while the sun warms my skin. The beauty of the leaves changing and the smell of pumpkins. The taste of pumpkins. . Until I started thinking of where these aspects of our personalities come from, I had no idea where this even started. I am a November Baby, and while by the time my birthday rolls around it is way too chilly to be hanging around outside, and all the leaves have fallen already, everyone assumes this is the reason. It's not. I may be one of the weirdest people ever, but I loved loved loved the beginning of the school year. I also love riding with the windows down. and comfy clothes. After a summer of riding in a car with a boy whose car had no AC, fall was seriously a glorious season. It reminds me of nights sitting outside on a porch swing and talking with my highschool boyfriend and wearing his hoodies, warm rain, sitting up all night talking and a general time of happiness and carefree period of my life. That is where it started, but After moving to Roanoke for college the fall season in the valley was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
   Little things that are less meaningful in my life bring back smaller memories. . like the fact that school buses make me uncomfortable, for more than one reason. And silver mustangs make me laugh. The smell of nail polish reminds me of my favorite shirt from middle school and how it was ruined by some yellow nail polish. My fondness for the movie Mac and Me , as it reminds me of my friends little sister when she was first born. The memory of telling the same friends sisters that fruits and veggies were bad for them and ice cream should only be eaten before breakfast. . . I still sneak some before my morning coffee when the kids are not watching on occasion. The way I fold my towels, in thirds not halves, because I would get yelled at by Memaw, or every time I hear the term "French Kissing" it makes me laugh because the first time I was caught making out with a boy it was by one of my best friends little brothers. He went home and told his mom we were "Chinese kissing"  I remember Mrs. Reed's lecture and analogies like it was yesterday. . And the fact that even though I own the movie King Kong, I can't watch it, because it reminds me of a terrible breakup.
   I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, a firm advocate of never regretting anything, because everything that has ever happened to you has formed you into the person you are today. Even I did not realize how large some of those small instances were. . I also have an irrational fear of putting my shoes on before looking inside of them, and an insatiable love for cheesecake and soup when I am not feeling well.

Let me paint a picture for you. .

    It's 3 am. Everyone in my house is asleep, thankfully even the animals. I am half a bottle of wine in- Long story short, its been a tough week, Ian and I had a fight, so I did not feel like going to bed. - I have spent the week reading the 50 Shades trilogy and now that it is over I am feeling like I just went through a breakup. Seriously. I just spent 5 days on my couch turning pages like the last page was coated in chocolate and Moscato and I couldn't have it until I was finished.
    It dawned on me this week under some various degrees of unwelcome pressure... that I am an adult. Stop Laughing. I am aware that this happened a while ago. Aware that age, as well as the kids and animals and house and husband and bills and responsibilities made that happen a few years back, but somehow I think that I felt the walls closing in on me just this week. Perhaps it was the effort to keep my house clean for an entire week, while absorbed in a book and meal planning and couponing and the upcoming construction on the house. . . (We are getting a new roof and siding this week). . But all of a sudden I got hit with an unwelcome air of nostalgia. The longing for carefree nights of legal drinking and my then fiance picking me up at 2 am in a bar in the middle of the week simply because the only thing I had to take care of in the morning when I rolled out of bed was a dog. . one that I might add, was just as happy laying under the covers with me as she would have been anywhere else. A reminder that I once had a large handful of friends that I could call at anytime and just go- to the beach, shopping, to the bar, for a ride, to the movies, wherever- without the requirement of babysitter searching notice, or nights that end with "I really have to go, the baby will be up in a few hours"
   Now, for those of you who are yet to be parents.. stop judging. I have heard enough of the " it was your decision" or the " what kind of mom does that make you" and for those who are already parents. . I know- It was a moment of weakness. . I have never, nor will I ever regret my decisions to have babies at the age that I did. I love them more than the entire Earth and nothing will ever change that. Somedays though, a mommy vacation would be nice. A night to forget that I have to get up in a few hours and do the dishes, the laundry, change the diapers, potty train and feed real human beings that depend on me. One night out that does not consist of potty talk and parenting advice. A night for me.

   ---now that we have gotten all that out and I have pulled myself together off the floor from my mommy tantrum I have to say. . I spent a few hours FaceBook Stalking a lot of people.- Don't Judge.-. and I realized that its not just me. . we all did it. We all grew up, we had babies of our own and we found love. Some of us still talk, some don't. Some of us moved away while others dug their roots even deeper, but the fact of the matter is. . We are adults now. And with Ian's High School Reunion just around the corner it made me realize something exciting. . I have 2 years left to cram as much life and adventure in as I can. 2 years left to prove to those who I know are raising their eyebrows at me that I made the best decision I could have, because I could name a few that have actually described an accurate scenario of what I would have done had they told me in high school that I would be a stay at home mom; and 2 more years to prepare for a rush of memories and mixed emotions, and people that I don't neccesarily have the urge to meet. And at that time, I will stand with my head held high, knowing that I am not just 'Mommy" I am a loving wife, and I am still a great friend, and I have plenty of time to rediscover who I am and have fun. . .

On a side note..  they should really warn people about a possible quarter life crisis. Because I just spent a few hours of my life freaking out because I am turning 26 and watching movies that nobody in their right frame of mind picks out. It was totally unwarranted and will make me second guess sleeping on the couch again anytime soon. It has also led me to planning a night out. With a reliable sitter that I know can handle anything that comes up, and grown up clothes!

JT's "Happy Day"

  I have always wanted to be "that mom". You know exactly who I am talking about without explanation if you are already a parent. If you are not yet a parent- and plan to be one day- then you will soon meet that person.
   "That Mom" always has her stuff together. She has the best kids parties, and spends time doing both creative and educational things with her kids. She has a clean house, and time for baking and cooking dinner and easy grocery store trips. . Nobody knows her secret. . although I have to admit I sometimes hope it's drugs because that would throw a serious kink in her "perfectness". . Drugs are bad though and nobody should do them, so that is in my fantasy world where people don't actually die from them. So if you are planning on doing drugs remember that. . PEOPLE DIE FROM THEM, and since you don't wanna die... use basic deduction and don't do drugs. Back to my rant.
   I . . am NOT her. . . I want to be, and maybe one day I will get there. For now I am the mom who runs behind with everything. I am the mom who has the plans for awesome parties and somehow manages to procrastinate long enough that at midnight the night before she is steam cleaning her carpets. . .  every     single    time. I am also the mom who enlists the help of friends and family first thing in the morning the day of the party because there are still at least 50 things on my to-do list. The mom who makes a LOT of to-do lists.. and still manages to complete a million things--- that are not actually on that list. . and if I am having a good day I can cross one or two things off of it and agree to be happy with that accomplishment.
   This time it is JT's 3rd Birthday Party. WOO HOO.. We are having a superhero party at my house tomorrow, with all of our family and friends. A lot more people than I honestly thought were going to RSVP: did. And thus I am praying to GOD, the RAIN GOD's any and all God's that will listen that the weather cooperates tomorrow. (random s/n- I am Christian.. however I agree with the following statement. If you are right and there are lots of God's and I have only been praying to one of them- I still go to heaven. If I am right and there is only 1, I still go to heaven. Honestly win-win for me here) So first thing in the morning my Mother in Law is coming to help me clean. I am making Ian get up after a ridiculously long week and do some yard work and I get to finish cleaning and decorating my house, followed by some errands for last minute items. Like napkins- you can not have enough napkins when 30 kids are scheduled to be at your house at once.
   Well the whole point of this blog was to tell you that JT has decided that he does not care to use the word "birthday". He likes to call it his "Happy Day" and the poor thing knows that it is coming up. I don't think he really understands what a Birthday is yet, but we have had a lot of talk about it. Every time he has seen a large amount of food in the last few weeks he tells me it is his Happy Day, like after a funeral earlier this week, and at the grocery store.
   I am extremely excited that in the morning I get to tell him that it is FINALLY, AT LAST his Happy Party. And he is going to have one seriously kick-butt cake. He is also going to have a whole entourage of cape-clad Super-Friends, and we are taking pictures of each one of them to transform into comic strips. And as promised there will be cookies. . that I have not started yet despite the 2 a.m. time stamp on my laptop. So, now that the couch and carpets are finally almost dry from steam cleaning, I can go tear apart my clean kitchen to make 3 different kinds of cookies. . .  but my kids are going to look awesome in their superhero outfits complete with glasses for him and tutu for Ellie.
   And if I don't pass out and burn my cookies I might get around to the Photo Shoot corner I still have to create. .


Ellie's Pancakes and Pajamas party is going to be so much easier. I have a whole 5 months to plan that one. . . HAHAHAHA .. who am I lying to? . I will take care of that in January.

and in case you are curious about the cake....