I must disclaim that he probably gets this from me. Or his father, actually.. I think it kind of runs in the family, but JT has recently discovered the joys of being naked.
It is probably my fault. He has seen me and Ian nude enough that the images are most likely burned horrifically in his retinas, add to that the many months of witnessing me nurse and he has seen enough parental nudity to cause some long lasting effect. When he was about 10 months old he began the stage of not wanting to let me get him dressed after changing his diapers in the morning. Being in the very fun stages of morning sickness I usually let him go without fighting it, but would constantly tell him that "mommy does not support your nudist habits until you are old enough to explain why you want them."
CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR....
Yesterday marked the 4th day in a row that I walked into JT's room after he had been asleep to find his room completely destroyed and him 100% naked. No diaper, no socks.. nothing but happy. After telling him for the first few days that he needs to at least keep his diaper on, and ignoring it the next I finally asked him about it.. The conversation went something like this...
Me: JT, buddy, why did you take your clothes off again?
Him: Cause
Me: Mommy told you that 'cause' is not a good enough answer. Were you hot? did you pee pee through your diaper?
Him: Nope. didn't want it
Me: You didn't want your clothes on?
Him: yup, no clothes, don't want it
Me: and your diaper?
Him: no Diaper
Me: Pee pee on the potty like a big boy and we don't have to wear diapies anymore
Him: No, no potty
Me: Then you have to wear a diapie so you don't pee pee on mommy's floor.
Him: No mommy, no diapie no pants. Don't want it.
Well then. I guess we have a naked toddler running around for awhile. So please call before you show up from now on, unless you are ok with naked children talking to you.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
"sort-of" Pregnant
A few weeks ago I got a feeling that I had had once (actually twice) before. I knew I was pregnant. It did not make any sense because I (if anyone else recalls) had an IUD placed at my 6 week check-up after Ellie was born. Yet... call it female intuition, a 6th sense, a really good memory.. whatever... I was laying in bed at 1 in the morning and knew. I made Ian go to the store and get a test. He came home with 2. The first of which was invalid, the second of which was positive immediately and then the second line went away. I was surely not satisfied with that answer so I threw on some sweats and went for another round of tests.
So there I am in the store at almost 2 am buying pregnancy tests.. which quite frankly made me feel like an idiot! None the less I bring them home and take both at the same time.. One negative and one faintly positive. CRAP
I hardly sleep (completely freaking out) and wait ever so impatiently to call the doctor for an appointment, however they do not open until 9.. who opens that late??? They are thankfully able to get me in that afternoon.
Feeling nervous and scared I go in for an ultrasound that showed a small fetal sac (approximately 4 weeks) but that is all. My IUD is removed and I am on my way to the lab to get some blood drawn.
The next day I make a call to the doctor to ask a question and the nurse tells me that my lab results are in. Of course being anxious to know I ask what they are and she says something that I did NOT expect...
"Your results were negative"
Umm.. Excuse me? I saw the sac, The doctor would not have removed my BIRTH CONTROL (that I am still paying on btw) If I was not indeed pregnant. This has to be a mistake. They ask me to come back for another blood test which I find out the next day is also negative.
Now wait... I just don't understand. The results are negative, but I have a positive pregnancy test still sitting on my counter... and.. and..
The doctor says that one of 2 things could have happened but there is no way to tell.. Either.. I "miscarried" when my IUD was removed, or I have what is called a "blighted ovum" which is where a sac is formed but a baby is not actually there, resulting in an empty womb. Either way, there is no baby, I am not pregnant and expect to "miscarry" within a few days.
There are just some problems with this answer.. I still FEEL pregnant. I still don't understand. And most of all.. I am sad, confused.... ANGRY. It has been 2 weeks. In that time I have cried like crazy, prayed even harder, and fought the strong urge to climb in my bed and not get out for a few days... or months. But without having that option I get up and go about my day. Still a little confused and angry, and sad.
In that time 2 of my friends have announced their pregnancy (congrats by the way, from the very deepenst part of my heart), we got excited and told family and some close friends, and I have still not passed the "baby". I feel like I did when we were trying to conceive, when I watched 7 friends get pregnant and countless women glow in the stores and on the streets. It seemed everywhere I went there was someone who was pregnant. Now however, I am pregnant and I have 2 babies at home to love on when I get sad and to think of and be thankful for when I get angry, but I want to be positive, I want to be ok with all of this, and I want to know where to go from here.
Do we try to conceive and go through that heart ache again? Do we chose to let God decide for us again like we did with Ellie? Do we go back to the original 2 year plan? And how do I deal with this loss when I have not lost anything yet, and there was nothing really there to lose?
I have a slight numbness inside that I know I can not allow to stay there, but that numbness was the only thing that pulled me out of my 2 day crying, sobbing, sniffling, depressed and angry state. So I sit here, opening up to the world.. while "sort of" pregnant, and knowing that one day I will find my answer.
Please know that even though I am sharing this with you all, I do not want to be pitied, I do not want your apologies, because you did nothing wrong. I do not want you to dance around my feelings, because I am strong and I will figure this out. And I ask that you not try to give me words of encouragement because frankly I am not sure how to process them at this time.. I simply wanted to share with you what is going on in my life right now. I needed to get it off my chest, lay it on the table and start sorting through. So for the words that you were planning on giving me, I thank you for your kindness and your well thoughts. I thank you for wanting to be my friends, because I need them in this time of confusion for me, and one day I will be willing to talk to you about it if I have not already opened up to you personally.. Until then... I hope that you never have to go through it for yourself.
So there I am in the store at almost 2 am buying pregnancy tests.. which quite frankly made me feel like an idiot! None the less I bring them home and take both at the same time.. One negative and one faintly positive. CRAP
I hardly sleep (completely freaking out) and wait ever so impatiently to call the doctor for an appointment, however they do not open until 9.. who opens that late??? They are thankfully able to get me in that afternoon.
Feeling nervous and scared I go in for an ultrasound that showed a small fetal sac (approximately 4 weeks) but that is all. My IUD is removed and I am on my way to the lab to get some blood drawn.
The next day I make a call to the doctor to ask a question and the nurse tells me that my lab results are in. Of course being anxious to know I ask what they are and she says something that I did NOT expect...
"Your results were negative"
Umm.. Excuse me? I saw the sac, The doctor would not have removed my BIRTH CONTROL (that I am still paying on btw) If I was not indeed pregnant. This has to be a mistake. They ask me to come back for another blood test which I find out the next day is also negative.
Now wait... I just don't understand. The results are negative, but I have a positive pregnancy test still sitting on my counter... and.. and..
The doctor says that one of 2 things could have happened but there is no way to tell.. Either.. I "miscarried" when my IUD was removed, or I have what is called a "blighted ovum" which is where a sac is formed but a baby is not actually there, resulting in an empty womb. Either way, there is no baby, I am not pregnant and expect to "miscarry" within a few days.
There are just some problems with this answer.. I still FEEL pregnant. I still don't understand. And most of all.. I am sad, confused.... ANGRY. It has been 2 weeks. In that time I have cried like crazy, prayed even harder, and fought the strong urge to climb in my bed and not get out for a few days... or months. But without having that option I get up and go about my day. Still a little confused and angry, and sad.
In that time 2 of my friends have announced their pregnancy (congrats by the way, from the very deepenst part of my heart), we got excited and told family and some close friends, and I have still not passed the "baby". I feel like I did when we were trying to conceive, when I watched 7 friends get pregnant and countless women glow in the stores and on the streets. It seemed everywhere I went there was someone who was pregnant. Now however, I am pregnant and I have 2 babies at home to love on when I get sad and to think of and be thankful for when I get angry, but I want to be positive, I want to be ok with all of this, and I want to know where to go from here.
Do we try to conceive and go through that heart ache again? Do we chose to let God decide for us again like we did with Ellie? Do we go back to the original 2 year plan? And how do I deal with this loss when I have not lost anything yet, and there was nothing really there to lose?
I have a slight numbness inside that I know I can not allow to stay there, but that numbness was the only thing that pulled me out of my 2 day crying, sobbing, sniffling, depressed and angry state. So I sit here, opening up to the world.. while "sort of" pregnant, and knowing that one day I will find my answer.
Please know that even though I am sharing this with you all, I do not want to be pitied, I do not want your apologies, because you did nothing wrong. I do not want you to dance around my feelings, because I am strong and I will figure this out. And I ask that you not try to give me words of encouragement because frankly I am not sure how to process them at this time.. I simply wanted to share with you what is going on in my life right now. I needed to get it off my chest, lay it on the table and start sorting through. So for the words that you were planning on giving me, I thank you for your kindness and your well thoughts. I thank you for wanting to be my friends, because I need them in this time of confusion for me, and one day I will be willing to talk to you about it if I have not already opened up to you personally.. Until then... I hope that you never have to go through it for yourself.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
over-parenting
Everyone has a friend (at least one friend) who thinks that the only way to parent is their own right??? {Please tell me I am not the only one who knows these crazy people!} You know the ones who only move their child up in clothing and diaper sizes according to age, even if the clothes don't fit. The ones who wait for the doctor's ok to do EVERYTHING, and like to put their child on a schedule from day 1 that is more packed than a highschooler who is on every team known to man.
I am not trying to say that I am the worlds best mom, I know darn well that I will not be recieving a call on my childrens 18th birthdays for never having made a mistake while parenting... Because I know that we are not in competition with one another. I will do my best to raise my children to be respectful, well rounded, self confident and individual. But for the love of all that is holy people.. remember that they are children. They grow fast enough as it is, they are exposed to way too much way too fast.
I quite frankly am not going to remember (or care!) that my son was potty trained 2 months before his friends. It sure will not get him into a great college, or earn him billions of dollars so why push it?! I enjoy spending free time with my kids, throwing a kink in the routine and letting them play, hearing them laugh, doing fun things, letting strangers laugh at me for jumping out and scaring the bejeezuz out of my 2 year old at the store because he wants to "hiiide, hiiide"
Don't get me wrong, he is required to use his manners, we have a time out bench that has a nice worn spot from his butt when spankings are not the right fit for the crime.. but he is a toddler. He does not need to know 3 different languages and count to 100. He knows the basics, his name (and how to spell it) some of his letters, how to count to 5, how to play, how to love, how to be compassionate, and that mommy and daddy are not always right- that sometimes mommies and daddies need to say sorry too.
Next time I see a "my kid is better than yours" attitude across someones face I plan on asking this question.
What on Earth does it matter? Are they happy? Because mine are.
I am not trying to say that I am the worlds best mom, I know darn well that I will not be recieving a call on my childrens 18th birthdays for never having made a mistake while parenting... Because I know that we are not in competition with one another. I will do my best to raise my children to be respectful, well rounded, self confident and individual. But for the love of all that is holy people.. remember that they are children. They grow fast enough as it is, they are exposed to way too much way too fast.
I quite frankly am not going to remember (or care!) that my son was potty trained 2 months before his friends. It sure will not get him into a great college, or earn him billions of dollars so why push it?! I enjoy spending free time with my kids, throwing a kink in the routine and letting them play, hearing them laugh, doing fun things, letting strangers laugh at me for jumping out and scaring the bejeezuz out of my 2 year old at the store because he wants to "hiiide, hiiide"
Don't get me wrong, he is required to use his manners, we have a time out bench that has a nice worn spot from his butt when spankings are not the right fit for the crime.. but he is a toddler. He does not need to know 3 different languages and count to 100. He knows the basics, his name (and how to spell it) some of his letters, how to count to 5, how to play, how to love, how to be compassionate, and that mommy and daddy are not always right- that sometimes mommies and daddies need to say sorry too.
Next time I see a "my kid is better than yours" attitude across someones face I plan on asking this question.
What on Earth does it matter? Are they happy? Because mine are.
Clarity
I will start off saying this...
I am aware that not everyone believes in a higher being. I know that even among those who do, that there is way too much that varies between believers to cover in any blog.. Again though, this is a blog about me... so, keep in mind that I am not trying to pursuade anyone to believe as I do. I respect everyones beliefs, and only ask that you do the same for me.
I have spent a good portion of my life not really sure what I believe. I mean.. It takes a large leap of faith for anyone to believe in something that you can not see. But then again we believe in air and we can not see that. I guess that is besides the point.
Do I believe that there is a God? That everyone goes to either Heaven or Hell? That we go nowhere? That we are supposed to follow the Bible word for word, or use it as a general guide? There are alot of questions that I have always had, but I guess I have always believed that there is SOME higher being. If that is Allah, or Zues or God or are they all really the same just in different forms?
I like to believe that there is a God, and that he is watching over us and that in one way or another there is somewhere we go after this life. I guess it provides me with comfort to believe that way. Otherwise my life is filled with negativity and doubt. What point is there to life if there is no place to go after this?
I have recently had a lot of my faith questions answered. I am doing my best to sort out the mess that I have made of religion in my head and to live the way that I think I am supposed to. I will not sit here and tell everyone exactly what I believe, why I believe that way, and how to live your lives, how to think etc. I will simply end with this...
Tolerance. Nobody is ever going to see things EXACTLY the way that you do. People will always, always have a difference in opinions on something. sometimes it may be slightly different, sometimes vastly different. Does that mean that we should wage war on each others beliefs and inner workings? I don't think we should. then again that is my OPINION....and if there is one thing that I will not allow anyone to say to me it's that my opinion is wrong. because just like feelings... they can not be wrong.
Next time you voice your opinion though.. remember.. EVERYONE has one, not just you, and I was taught in Kindergarten to treat others as I wish to be treated.. I know I sure don't want someone else telling me what to think, what to say.. That's why I live in America.
I am aware that not everyone believes in a higher being. I know that even among those who do, that there is way too much that varies between believers to cover in any blog.. Again though, this is a blog about me... so, keep in mind that I am not trying to pursuade anyone to believe as I do. I respect everyones beliefs, and only ask that you do the same for me.
I have spent a good portion of my life not really sure what I believe. I mean.. It takes a large leap of faith for anyone to believe in something that you can not see. But then again we believe in air and we can not see that. I guess that is besides the point.
Do I believe that there is a God? That everyone goes to either Heaven or Hell? That we go nowhere? That we are supposed to follow the Bible word for word, or use it as a general guide? There are alot of questions that I have always had, but I guess I have always believed that there is SOME higher being. If that is Allah, or Zues or God or are they all really the same just in different forms?
I like to believe that there is a God, and that he is watching over us and that in one way or another there is somewhere we go after this life. I guess it provides me with comfort to believe that way. Otherwise my life is filled with negativity and doubt. What point is there to life if there is no place to go after this?
I have recently had a lot of my faith questions answered. I am doing my best to sort out the mess that I have made of religion in my head and to live the way that I think I am supposed to. I will not sit here and tell everyone exactly what I believe, why I believe that way, and how to live your lives, how to think etc. I will simply end with this...
Tolerance. Nobody is ever going to see things EXACTLY the way that you do. People will always, always have a difference in opinions on something. sometimes it may be slightly different, sometimes vastly different. Does that mean that we should wage war on each others beliefs and inner workings? I don't think we should. then again that is my OPINION....and if there is one thing that I will not allow anyone to say to me it's that my opinion is wrong. because just like feelings... they can not be wrong.
Next time you voice your opinion though.. remember.. EVERYONE has one, not just you, and I was taught in Kindergarten to treat others as I wish to be treated.. I know I sure don't want someone else telling me what to think, what to say.. That's why I live in America.
My key to Happiness
A friend asked me a few months ago if I have "issues" with my husband. The question made me laugh. Nothing against the friend of course but it really got me thinking of how lucky I am to have such an amazing husband. Granted this is not something that I have just discovered.. I am a pretty smart girl and I figured that somewhere under all of his glorious early 20's stupidity (sorry hunny) there was an absolutely wonderful man waiting for me to find.
I know this is every woman's dream.. whether they like to admit it or not... to find the misunderstood, bad boy and turn him into this great guy. I did not turn him into anything however, so please don't think something that never happened... I merely expected more of him, and he happened to surpass my expectations.
My marriage has not always been wonderful. Actually for a while ( I say while but keep in mind I am only 3 years into this life long journey) it was terrible, not that I would ever leave him, or ever doubted that we would figure it out , I actually PRAYED LIKE HELL we would figure it out. well Really I guess I should start at the beginning...
( If my blog were a movie or a play this is where we would pause to say.. you might want to get comfy, this might take a while)
I met my husband when I was 18. We worked together at TGI Fridays... fancy and romantic huh? I was just out of a long term relationship with a really great guy, who I honestly ( out comes my teen naive self) thought I might marry someday. The break-up was my doing, but that did not make it any easier, and I actually kept the whole thing to myself for months. It was not until right before Christmas that my co-workers found out, during a conversation about what to buy our significant others, a conversation I remember clearly being a bit painful and something I wanted to avoid, but of course... the question turned to me. I did not go into details, just stated that we were no longer together, so there would be no gift buying and walked away.
Before leaving that night Ian asked for my number. We had worked together for months but I really knew nothing about him, and don't remember much talking between the two of us before then, but after some smart-ass remarks.. (good part is he remembers none of this) I gave it to him. It took some convincing from a friend but I accepted a date. We went on a few, I was an emotional wreck (he does not remember any of this either) and found that we actually enjoyed each others company.
Maybe I was just trying to piss off my ex, or my parents who thought it was too soon to be getting serious with someone else, or I actually just liked him, but he was nothing.. and I mean nothing.. like the man I had imagined all my life that I would marry... But still.. there was something.
We started off pretty rocky to be honest, we were inseparable, but he refused to admit he had feelings for me, I hated pretty much everything he did outside of wanting to spend time with me... again... charming huh?
We broke up (whew.. my apologies to those of you who had to deal with me during that time) and I ended up with a cat and a dog... He still tries to convince me that since I went off and got animals without him he gets 100% say so in the next one... have I mentioned how funny he is??
Both before and after our breakup I let him know that he would marry me one day. I drove him crazy (perhaps the reason we broke up in the first place?? hmmm... hind sight is lovely isn't it?) by telling him several times a week. I also let him know I was perfect for him... Funny.. he remembers this part.
It was a few months later, and unfortunately a few moves later as well, that he proposed to me. Here is the cute part...
We were skydiving that day in Orange County. It was his second jump, first AFF (accelerated free fall) but my seventh. ( total blast for anyone who has not done it before.. well worth the money!) We were all called to the back side of the building to discuss our changed landing patterns, when I walked around the side there was a video camera the largest bouquet of flowers I have ever received and Ian, along with his family and my best friend standing there waiting for me... Oh and about 100 other people.
He got down on his knee and told me how much he loved me, that he was about to take a very scary, very big jump out of a plane, but before he did that he wanted to take a larger jump in our relationship and marry me. The poor guy was so nervous that he put the ring on the wrong hand.
We had a wonderful wedding... the planning of which was fun, but horrible for our relationship, much like a lot of other married couples. Before we could get married we had to attend a pre
The first month or so was great, we thought that the fighting was just because of the wedding plans yadda yadda yadda. Really we were just too happy to have it over with to keep fighting for the time being. It did not last that long, and then we found out we were pregnant.
The first year of our marriage was a lot of crying and fighting, a lot of resentment. When JT came along we had another short break from fighting. Ian was working 70-80 hours a week to help us get out of my parents place. We had decided that I would be a stay at home mom, and I took that job very very seriously. I was nursing and honestly think I may have showered 2 times a week. It was scary, I felt like I was doing it alone and I wanted to do the best that I could, so I just kept my fears and anger to myself.
Any married person will tell you that this is a mistake. Pent up fears and anxiety do not stay pent up for long. They come out in ways that are very hard to deal with.. for instance yelling at a baby who did nothing wrong (been there). Breaking down in tears in public for no "apparent" reason (been there). Placing blame on things that can not possibly be the real problem (been there).. Honestly I will stop there because this list just goes on and on.
About 8 months after JT was born we were able to move into a townhouse. Renting- not our original pre-pregnancy plan- but we had our things back, space, breathing room.. curtains... We had another brief period of bliss.. and family visits, unpacking etc to focus on.
A month later WHAM I was pregnant again. This time was definitely not planned. We strapped our game faces on and pushed through, again a terrible idea if you want a marriage to work. (does anyone else see where this is going?) We started to pick at the pieces a little at a time but were both too afraid to say what was on our minds. I would love to say that there is just one reason for that fear but that is not true. One reason is the lack of self esteem we both possessed, another is the fragile state of our marriage, the fear that once things were said they can never be put back in the bottle.
I can not say how Ian was feeling, but I know that I was lost, confused and miserable. I did not want to be stuck in a marriage that I did not know how to be happy in, but I believe in one marriage, one and only one soul mate, whatever it is that you want to call it, and I picked mine.. really it picked me... so what was I to do?
Let me give you the answer here...... FIX IT
There is no multiple choice here. There is only one answer, and boy was it a lot scarier and bigger than anything I had ever faced. Because what I was facing was not how do I fix him. Not how do we fix our marriage. Not how do I change him, how do I change our arguing... it was How do I fix me? Where do I start? What can I change? What can I do differently? And it was then that our marriage started to budge. When the harsh reality that I married this man, I love this man- just the way he is- and the thing I don't like is me hit me in the face I could do one of two things.
1. run
2. Take a long look in the mirror and just start somewhere, face the music and finally be happy.
Now I would love to say that things are all rainbows and butterflies and sunshine.. but they aren't. Its work, but its rewarding and its amazing. I just celebrated my 3rd anniversary with Ian, it was the best year we have had together, and even though there is a lot of work to be done... He is working on himself as well... Maybe next year we will meet in the middle, who knows. but its by far the best journey I will ever take.
I know this is every woman's dream.. whether they like to admit it or not... to find the misunderstood, bad boy and turn him into this great guy. I did not turn him into anything however, so please don't think something that never happened... I merely expected more of him, and he happened to surpass my expectations.
My marriage has not always been wonderful. Actually for a while ( I say while but keep in mind I am only 3 years into this life long journey) it was terrible, not that I would ever leave him, or ever doubted that we would figure it out , I actually PRAYED LIKE HELL we would figure it out. well Really I guess I should start at the beginning...
( If my blog were a movie or a play this is where we would pause to say.. you might want to get comfy, this might take a while)
I met my husband when I was 18. We worked together at TGI Fridays... fancy and romantic huh? I was just out of a long term relationship with a really great guy, who I honestly ( out comes my teen naive self) thought I might marry someday. The break-up was my doing, but that did not make it any easier, and I actually kept the whole thing to myself for months. It was not until right before Christmas that my co-workers found out, during a conversation about what to buy our significant others, a conversation I remember clearly being a bit painful and something I wanted to avoid, but of course... the question turned to me. I did not go into details, just stated that we were no longer together, so there would be no gift buying and walked away.
Before leaving that night Ian asked for my number. We had worked together for months but I really knew nothing about him, and don't remember much talking between the two of us before then, but after some smart-ass remarks.. (good part is he remembers none of this) I gave it to him. It took some convincing from a friend but I accepted a date. We went on a few, I was an emotional wreck (he does not remember any of this either) and found that we actually enjoyed each others company.
Maybe I was just trying to piss off my ex, or my parents who thought it was too soon to be getting serious with someone else, or I actually just liked him, but he was nothing.. and I mean nothing.. like the man I had imagined all my life that I would marry... But still.. there was something.
We started off pretty rocky to be honest, we were inseparable, but he refused to admit he had feelings for me, I hated pretty much everything he did outside of wanting to spend time with me... again... charming huh?
We broke up (whew.. my apologies to those of you who had to deal with me during that time) and I ended up with a cat and a dog... He still tries to convince me that since I went off and got animals without him he gets 100% say so in the next one... have I mentioned how funny he is??
Both before and after our breakup I let him know that he would marry me one day. I drove him crazy (perhaps the reason we broke up in the first place?? hmmm... hind sight is lovely isn't it?) by telling him several times a week. I also let him know I was perfect for him... Funny.. he remembers this part.
It was a few months later, and unfortunately a few moves later as well, that he proposed to me. Here is the cute part...
We were skydiving that day in Orange County. It was his second jump, first AFF (accelerated free fall) but my seventh. ( total blast for anyone who has not done it before.. well worth the money!) We were all called to the back side of the building to discuss our changed landing patterns, when I walked around the side there was a video camera the largest bouquet of flowers I have ever received and Ian, along with his family and my best friend standing there waiting for me... Oh and about 100 other people.
He got down on his knee and told me how much he loved me, that he was about to take a very scary, very big jump out of a plane, but before he did that he wanted to take a larger jump in our relationship and marry me. The poor guy was so nervous that he put the ring on the wrong hand.
We had a wonderful wedding... the planning of which was fun, but horrible for our relationship, much like a lot of other married couples. Before we could get married we had to attend a pre
The first month or so was great, we thought that the fighting was just because of the wedding plans yadda yadda yadda. Really we were just too happy to have it over with to keep fighting for the time being. It did not last that long, and then we found out we were pregnant.
The first year of our marriage was a lot of crying and fighting, a lot of resentment. When JT came along we had another short break from fighting. Ian was working 70-80 hours a week to help us get out of my parents place. We had decided that I would be a stay at home mom, and I took that job very very seriously. I was nursing and honestly think I may have showered 2 times a week. It was scary, I felt like I was doing it alone and I wanted to do the best that I could, so I just kept my fears and anger to myself.
Any married person will tell you that this is a mistake. Pent up fears and anxiety do not stay pent up for long. They come out in ways that are very hard to deal with.. for instance yelling at a baby who did nothing wrong (been there). Breaking down in tears in public for no "apparent" reason (been there). Placing blame on things that can not possibly be the real problem (been there).. Honestly I will stop there because this list just goes on and on.
About 8 months after JT was born we were able to move into a townhouse. Renting- not our original pre-pregnancy plan- but we had our things back, space, breathing room.. curtains... We had another brief period of bliss.. and family visits, unpacking etc to focus on.
A month later WHAM I was pregnant again. This time was definitely not planned. We strapped our game faces on and pushed through, again a terrible idea if you want a marriage to work. (does anyone else see where this is going?) We started to pick at the pieces a little at a time but were both too afraid to say what was on our minds. I would love to say that there is just one reason for that fear but that is not true. One reason is the lack of self esteem we both possessed, another is the fragile state of our marriage, the fear that once things were said they can never be put back in the bottle.
I can not say how Ian was feeling, but I know that I was lost, confused and miserable. I did not want to be stuck in a marriage that I did not know how to be happy in, but I believe in one marriage, one and only one soul mate, whatever it is that you want to call it, and I picked mine.. really it picked me... so what was I to do?
Let me give you the answer here...... FIX IT
There is no multiple choice here. There is only one answer, and boy was it a lot scarier and bigger than anything I had ever faced. Because what I was facing was not how do I fix him. Not how do we fix our marriage. Not how do I change him, how do I change our arguing... it was How do I fix me? Where do I start? What can I change? What can I do differently? And it was then that our marriage started to budge. When the harsh reality that I married this man, I love this man- just the way he is- and the thing I don't like is me hit me in the face I could do one of two things.
1. run
2. Take a long look in the mirror and just start somewhere, face the music and finally be happy.
Now I would love to say that things are all rainbows and butterflies and sunshine.. but they aren't. Its work, but its rewarding and its amazing. I just celebrated my 3rd anniversary with Ian, it was the best year we have had together, and even though there is a lot of work to be done... He is working on himself as well... Maybe next year we will meet in the middle, who knows. but its by far the best journey I will ever take.
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