unsolicited relationship advice

   Ian and I have not always had a terrific marriage. I have talked a little about that in the past, but as you know we are doing great. Our 5 year anniversary is literally just around the corner and we are happier together than we have ever been. With that said, I wish I had known getting married that the things that attracted me to my husband most would change. Not that he has changed them, but I have.
   Dating, I loved that he was funny, that he smelled nice, that he enjoyed kissing. Now... I like when he does the dishes. strange? perhaps, but.. honestly... it is the best thing ever.
   So, that's not the only thing I like about him, if it was we would not have the wonderful marriage we do, because that's a rare occasion. What gave us a great marriage was following some great advice and reading the book The 5 Love Languages .  I highly recommend it to anyone having issues in a relationship of any sort. It helps pull your head out of your own butt and see things the way they are.
   In that book I learned that Ian's language is what is called "Acts of Service" meaning that he feels most loved when I do things for him. Mine is "Quality Time". That aside, nothing makes me willing to give this man a back rub like when he finally cuts the grass and I don't have to nag him anymore.
   Who would have ever thought to tell a 21 year old girl on her wedding day that in 5 years his crows feet were going to be adorable and the fastest way to bring back the rose colored glasses was watching him be a great dad, followed by waking up in the morning to a clean living room.
    The fact is that love changes. Not because you want it to but because you take your better half for granted. You stop getting up early to make them breakfast, you stop remembering to put your shoes on the steps instead of the middle of the living room, because you are no longer trying to impress them, you are comfortable. In a relationship though, the things that never bothered you before will suddenly drive you nuts.
  To him its the way I load the dishwasher, to me its his beard hair in the sink. The more things drive you crazy, the harder you have to work to see past them. My goal is to never resent Ian for the fact that he hates to put away the laundry, and is blind to the clutter on tables that drive me insane. And instead to fall in love with him all over again every morning when he tells me I am beautiful, and he laughs at my stupid jokes. To admire him for going to work every day to come home and deal with me, sometimes at my worst, and to still kiss me goodnight. I push through the frustrations and remind myself that he too is human, he gets mad and tired and is not here to do as I ask, but instead to be my partner.
   The longer we are married the harder we have to work. You lose sight of the little things, like the way he smiles at me for no reason, and the fact that he sits quietly through my terrible choices in television shows, and begin to focus on the times that he forgot to take something out of the freezer, or didn't get around to something he told me he would do.
   Here is what matters though, that we still show each other love in the way that they need to be shown, that we teach our children how to stay married and happy. That we show them that you don't have to let yourself be comfortable and forget that the other person still has needs and desires, that when one changes, the other adapts.
   I don't ever want to show them the bad sides of our marriage. They should not see the selfishness that we once had. Or the times when we said hurtful things, because those things can never be unsaid, once they are out in the air they have permanently poisoned your relationship. It took months to fix the damage that hasty words caused, and therefore we teach them not to say hurtful things out of anger, but instead to always apologize, always forgive and turn to someone you love for help when you need it.
   I needed to remind myself that my love tank can only be full when I make an effort to fill his. It's not always easy, but it really boils down to you can only get out what you put in. I can't expect my husband to be perfect because I am not, and I can't expect him to never lose his temper because I do. But if I can do something to make those times less frequent, that is my job as his wife, and as many times as he has diffused my melt downs through pregnancy and hormones, he deserves to have a tank full of love and to feel special. He has his flaws, but he is pretty amazing, even after 7 years.

thoughts from my day

 I would not go to say that I am tired, or frustrated. It has been a fairly great day and I feel great. I have been going to the gym regularly and am happy with myself for remembering to take my thyroid medicine the last week straight. ( sadly I would not doubt it if that were my all time record of days in a row, and I have been taking it for going on 9 years)
   My day has been a bit odd though. For instance, I have been logging my food intake. I have a goal of 55% carbs, 15%+ protein and 30% fat. I have been struggling to find a balance in there and yesterday I had it nailed. Then, today I was out and about and STARVING. I stopped at Tropical Smoothie and got a salad and smoothie. The salad description said nothing about Asian noodles. Carbs BLOWN. So I call my husband in search of something I can eat that is low in carb and protein and high in fat. Right?? Who else is dieting and looking for pure fat? What do I do? My vote was chow down on a stick of butter.. Ian felt that might be a little overboard, and reminded me that since it is dairy based there are carbs. Boo.
   I finally found my snack solution. Peanuts. There are carbs, but they are super high in fat and lowered my balance. The bonus is I don't have to use the fat free dressing tonight in my salad. BooYa.
   The kids were driving me nuts ( ha ha get it? Get it? nuts.. admit it I am funny).. it seemed that every time today that I had something to do they needed to scream at that moment. I assigned them a peanut snack as well.. Have at it, break those shells, crush those peanuts, make a mess... Because you get to clean it up =D =D ( I type this while they are screaming Ellies name at the top of their lungs and hiding underneath the table where they should be cleaning up all of the peanut mess they made.)  I did hear the following statement while they were chowing down though... " Ellie , you have to smash it real hard or you wont get the nuts. " Not sure what to say there. My question for you though is this... what purpose does the skin around the peanut serve? I feel like its there solely to get stuck in my throat and make me gag. But I am sure God has another answer. He should inform me so I don't despise it so much. .
   I  took a step out of my normal my way or not at all attitude about the children's stuffed animals and agreed today to abandon my search for a stuffed elephant for Porter. While it breaks my heart,and delights Ian, I have not found one that is fitting of the title of Porters infant best friend. I decided that in light of his extreme love for Shark Week we will be on the hunt for a stuffed shark next week at the beach. I think he will like it. He even stared at the onesie I bought him today that had a shark on it.  My only stipulation is that I and I alone get to name it, and its going to be epic.
   Lord, please don't let this child be fascinated with real sharks.. this mama is not even sure her toes will make it in the water next weekend after sitting through a week of  shark television.
   Another thing that threw me off today was Porter sleeping through the night again. Night number 3 and while I would love to not jinx myself this is the same pattern JT had at 3 months that turned into sleeping through the night every night. I do think there is a growth spurt going on though and for the time being I will claim that so that I am not disappointed when it stops.
   In other news, We watched Cinderella yesterday and when the part comes on that the step sisters rip the pieces of her dress off after the mice made it for her, I am sure taking all her hopes and dream with them, JT looks at me and says " Why did they do that? They need a spankin. You should go spank them REAL HARD"

  That about wraps it up folks. I am sure more entertaining things will happen today, watch FB. We might play a guess who said this game later. But if you will excuse me, the kids got sent to bed for throwing peanuts at each other and hitting sleeping Porter in the eye.. Now I have to go run the vacuum before my house permanently smells of Peanuts and salt. The upside is it will be a lovely change from the wet Reha smell I battle.

Another Tale of Ellie

  Have you ever reached a point in your day where you find yourself pondering if coffee, a nap or a mild case of alcoholism would be the best route to take next? I am there. Ok so I am kidding (mostly) about the alcoholism, although a super large glass of wine sounds fabulous right now, and I never kid about naps. ever. 
   I have decided that the answer to my dilemma at the moment is simple, albeit expensive. Military school. They make that for 2 year olds right? No? well that's a darn shame, I bet you it would be a gigantic market. Seriously. At the moment I am willing to sell my toenails if that's what it would take to fund it.
   I have never met a more frustrating, infuriating, test of my patience, and I took a senior level German Poetry class my freshman year of college, and had to take Statistics twice. I would take it every semester until I died if my daughter would just learn to listen and behave in public.
   Monday, while in Wal Mart with my mom, I bent down to pick up my phone from the bottom of the stroller. By the time I stood back up and answered the phone Ellie was gone. She was not under the rack of clothes she kept running to, not hiding behind the display, and not answering my frantic screams of her name. We were in the clothing section and by the time I found her she was all the way at the other end by the shoes and book bags. I was in tears by the time I found her and yet all she could do was laugh. Traumatic flash backs to a few months ago when she ran in the road downtown followed and I was the idiot in Wal Mart fighting off tears. Luckily JT had to go to the bathroom where I had a minute to compose myself.
   Today, we went to the gym and then met my fabulous friend Courtney for lunch at Panera. I am a Panera fan folks, I love everything I have tried from there and I think I would eat there every day if my husband would not revoke my debit card. Ellie was great, she was polite, held the stroller across the road, walked with Courtney to the table, sat down to eat and half way through her sandwich she got mad because she dropped part of her cookie on the floor. It went down hill from there. By the end of lunch she had behaved so badly that we had to restrain her and Courtney had to take her outside. I spanked her in the middle of the restaurant, took her shoes away and apologized profusely to Courtney as my child had hit her, kicked her and I think managed to head butt her as well. Then there is Porter in his stroller who was just laid back smiling.
   There are certainly things that you know come with parenting, but having a child that refuses to nap and does not respond to spanking, time out or scolding is not something you are prepared for. You think you can handle it, and I have news for you.. Most of the time you can. You stand up tall, ignore the jerks who are staring at you like you have the worlds worst parenting skills and you smile. You bite your tongue and smile. But there are days, like today, where episodes like the ones above leaving you crying in your car in the middle of a parking lot like your dog just died. It makes you wonder if you are really cut out for parenting. If you made the right decisions, if you could have done something differently.
   If it ever gets easier.

   But friends, let me tell you something. These days are FAR from the everyday. They are moments of weakness and they are seriously outnumbered by moments that make you know deep down in your soul that there is nothing in the world that you would rather do. Except perhaps sleep in on a Saturday like normal people. Just kidding!!! 
   Another thing that you are not expecting though, is having people just laugh at you and tell you how they are happy its not them. Honestly, so am I, I would not wish a stubborn child on most anyone, but that does not mean that when my child is doing something dangerous that you should just stare at us. Either mind your own business, or lend a hand and ask if we are ok.
   I am happy that I have a daughter, I love her dearly, and if nothing else dealing with her has strengthened me in so many ways. It has taught me a million and one lessons, for instance Kid Leashes may look inhumane and dumb, but in most cases they are being used to keep children alive and with their parents. Another lesson I have learned is that you should have a large stock of Magic Erasers and Organic cleaners on hand. I recommend Organic, because they are non toxic... and sometimes you have a child that has yet to learn that there are certain things you should not eat. Like Window Cleaner. Or Laundy Detergent. Also, seriously learn to pick your battles. Sometimes it is just not worth the fight, and if they want to wear something stupid, let them, then take a picture so you can show it to their spouse one day.
   In the end, it has to get easier. Eventually they will have children of their own and you can revel in the idea that they themselves will have to deal with it one day. And you will be the person they call when they are snotting on themselves in their car in the mall parking lot. And after you hang up you can giggle and find relief. Until then friends... I promise not to laugh at you when you are a hot mess and need a friend. Even if it has nothing to do with children, because I have been there with no where to turn. And if there is nothing I can say to console you, I will buy you a bottle of wine and ding dong ditch you. Because that is a true friend.


 But seriously.. They're uber cute. Just look at these faces.