Time for a change

    Think back... Just for a moment... When you were a little kid there were times when you really wanted something. Like REALLLY wanted something, and you probably even expected to receive it. This can be something simple from a piece of candy when you were behaving at the store, a certain toy for your birthday, or even from Santa. And as we got older it switched to more important  things like highlights (was I the only one on this one) or that certain someone to like you back...or the pair of shoes that EVERYONE else had.
   Now remember the feeling that you got in the pit of your stomach when you didn't get it?
   Unfortunately that feeling still happens when you are an adult. Sucks huh? There will still be people who let you down, things you want that you just can't have, people you want and just can't have. There are going to be things you expect from others, whether they were promised to you...

    (She swore she wouldn't do that again.. or...  He promised next check we could go away for the weekend. or even...I really wanted to buy that car and then they sold it.)

or expected

                    I was next in line for that promotion, it should have gone to me because I have been here years longer... or...
                    I just assumed that you were going to give that back when you were done.
  
  Whatever the case may be, that feeling that creeps into us is the same feeling we had when we were a kid. The difference is that we feel now that we are older that the feeling of disappointment is irrational. We shouldn't get down about things like that.. it's just silly...
   The fact of the matter is that even though we are older we still have FEELINGS. We are HUMAN. We are vulnerable and proud. And a lot of us still live by the Golden Rule.
   Yes the same one from Kindergarten... everyone say it with me...Treat others the way you wish to be treated... or Do unto others as you wish to be done unto you. However you want to say it the principle is still the same. We treat our friends how we want our friends to treat us, we love our significant other the way we want to be loved, and sometimes they let us down.
   Does that make them terrible people? NO. Does that make us better than them??? NO. Does that mean that the relationship is not a mutual one? ... ? ... ?

Sometimes.

This is where Kindergarten failed us. ( I apologize to those of you reading this who are teachers or have been in the past.. You are doing a great job, keep it up, thanks for all you do because you have more patience than I do )........... Remember the song
                        " Make new friends
                           But keep the old
                           One is Silver 
                           And the other Gold." 
  Not to say this is wrong, sometimes when you make new friends the old ones are still great friends. Other times though it makes you realize what a friend is supposed to be. And sometimes that old friend is no longer someone you want to keep around. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of friends who have done nothing wrong, we have just grown apart. I also have a good few who I realized are not people I want to be around anymore, not because my new friends are "better" but because my new friends give me something that I can not get from the old ones. And all of these have made me further appreciate the great friends I do have.
   One of my "new friends" said something to me about marriage that I believe to be true about friendship as well... She said something along the lines of "You're role as a wife is not about the things you do for your husband. Those things can be done by someone else. Someone else can clean the house, he can raise the kids... You're role is about what you do for him that if something were to happen to you, NOBODY else in the entire WORLD could give him. The behind the scenes love and support that only you were made to do."
   If a marriage is in essence the best friendship you have, then wouldn't the same be true for all of your friendships? My friendships are not about who I can get to do things for me, or who I can call when I need to vent. They are not about the favors that I do for them, nor about the favors they do for me. My relationship is different with each friend I have. I know who I can count on for what. I have a friend that if I ever needed money for an emergency that I could turn to. Not that I would want to ask, or even that she would have it to give, but she would do it anyways. I have another friend that I can talk to about things I can not talk to anyone else about, and honestly know that they will stay between us. I have a few friends that I can turn to when I need a good trip down memory lane. Another I can turn to when I need some help getting my head on straight, and another I can turn to when I need an excellent laugh. To all of these people I provide a different, but mutual service I guess you could say.
   
   In discovering this way of thinking I also had to admit that some of my friendships (and previous relationships) fell apart because I was not offering something they could not find elsewhere... OUCH.
   The thing about maturity and growing up is that you have to sometimes take the road less traveled by in order to be a better person. You just have to learn ( I say learn because as most of you know it is not easy, and it takes time to perfect, it sometimes comes with hurt feelings all around ) to say "this is not what's best for me, and I think we should go our separate ways" even when its not what we want to do.

   Why?

   Because as someone once told me... Growth can not be achieved without stepping out of your comfort zone. We must do things we don't want to do, and give up things we want to do in order to become the person we were meant to be. If you want more than what you have something has to change.
   well...
   I WANT MORE.

6th sense

   Saturday morning I woke up with this awful feeling in my stomach..  I know most people don't believe intuition or whatever you want to call it, but there is a reason that you often here the following statement.

"Momma KNOWS"

  It starts as an irrational fear. For instance I kept checking to make sure Ellie was breathing, moving the blankets away from her face etc. When I got out of the bed (she had just finished nursing) to get JT I brought him back in the room with me rather than taking him downstairs and going back up to get her. I kept reminding Ian she was in the bed.
   Of course everything was fine. Ian left for a call (one of the thousand he ran that week) and I got the kids ready to run some errands.. For some reason I put Ellie's sunglasses on.. thinking the sun might give her a headache or keep her up and she needed to sleep.. not something I normally do. We ran around town picking up a few things and when we got home I left her in her seat. when she started fussing I assumed she was hungry and took her out to feed her.
   Her whole body was burning up. I laid her on the floor, got a diaper and the thermometer. Some of you may think I am mean, but I take her temperature rectally.. I still take JT's that way too. Her reading was 103.1 so I gave her some Tylenol, called Ian and nursed her. I waited about half an hour and checked again.. pretty much no change. I think it had gone down to 102.7
   I pretty much started freaking. which of course solves nothing and just makes Ian mad. I called the pediatrician, hopped on the computer (what would we do without Google???) and arranged for my Brother-in-law to come watch JT.
   We ended up in the ER (my insurance does not cover any urgent cares in the area). After they held her down to take some blood they decided to test her urine. There is nothing worse than standing there watching someone try to cath your 6 month old baby. I am pretty sure it has been a long time since I wanted to punch someone that badly... well except for the dumb B***h that almost t-boned me with Ellie and JT in the car one day by running a stop sign at 45 mph and then gave me the finger like I had done something wrong.
   After all was said and done they sent me home with no answers and just told me to watch her, keep her cool and if it gets "worse" to come back in. They also left me with this tid bit... "its good that she has not started seizing. normally babies her age with a fever this long start to have seizures" Grrreat. Go see the pediatrician on Monday. Helpful.
   Her fever stayed between 101 and 102 for the remainder of the weekend. On Monday we made it to the doctor first thing in the morning and I finally got some answers.  She had a viral infection that had been going around. Not sure where she got it from, but happy that it did not spread to the rest of the family, not happy that now I need to sterilize everything in my house .... AGAIN!
   The best part is that this wonderful bug that decided to grace us with its presence also leaves with a nasty rash. So Ellie is no longer running a fever (after 5 days) but she has a wonderful hive looking rash covering every cm of her skin. It looks as if someone snuck in and speckled my baby pink. Not sure how long this will last..  but I really hope it goes away soon.

Parenting for the broke.

  Growing up my father always provided everything we needed, and most of what we wanted. He tried very hard to keep us happy, and now more than ever I appreciate it. As a parent I now know how hard it is to watch other children have things that you want for your children. It is even harder to watch your child want for something that you simply do not have the money to buy.
  Thankfully Ian and I are working on being able to move past that problem, but in the meantime there are things we go without. My children wear hand-me-downs. I did it, and many of my favorites were actually hand-me-downs, not to mention the kids grow too darn fast to constantly change out their wardrobes.. My children get things from Craigslist ( seriously craigslist is amazing!) and from Goodwill. I have had some amazing finds there! And my personal favorite..  The Weecycled Wardrobe...  Vicky and Penny are amazing for putting forth the effort to organize that!! someone should write them a thankyou card larger than my townhouse.. just sayin'
  I have been reading this book..The 7 Ancient Keys to Happiness  ..not every day unfortunately the way it is supposed to be read, but I get to it and do the excercises and it is definitely on my recommended reads list..  The last daily excercise was to make a list of everything you are grateful for that you have. It made me realize that even though I would love to have a million things for the children that often JT plays with some of the most random things..  
  This is a list of some of them off the top of my head...

• Diaper boxes-pushes them, hides things in them.. climbs in them
• Toilet paper roll holders (he presses them up against the wall and likes to watch them fly when he lets go)
• my keys, shoes and broken cell phones (normal for todays toddlers I know)
• empty soda bottles
• magnets.. This child convinced his grandma to buy him a $3 magnet from the made in VA store so that he can stick it on the fridge and take it off a million times a day
• his own carseat
• his sisters car seat
• drink pitchers
• cheese grater.. have to hide it
• store bags (he pretends he is leaving)
• the broom
• the dvd cases ( he is known to use them instead of blocks and I find piles of them all over the house)

I know there are many many more things that I have come across, and believe me he is not hurting for clothes or toys, but thinking about all of these things that he spends most of his time studying and learning and playing with has brought something further to my attention...


I am able to provide my child with a million things that other children do not have. The more creative I am, the larger his imagination is and will be. And just as in everything else.. the material possessions can not replace the laughs and memories that we make together by rolling my son up in a blanket and rolling him across the floor, playing "Horsie", or making puppets out of his socks and shoes.

Thanks Daddy for taking the time to show me that quality time can not be replaced by material possessions.. and for showing me the clearance racks.