TMI, you have been forewarned

  Today I am breaking one of my blogging rules. We are going to talk bathroom situations.

  For starters, I never understood why my mom used to ask us all the time "Can't I just sh*t in peace?" I never noticed that's what she was trying to do... but now I am a mom.  Seriously, I know its a running joke for moms, there is even a meme that I LOVE...

   it's the truth. They WILL. It seems that every time I go to the bathroom they have 9 million questions, and suddenly I am base for a game of tag that did not exist 30 seconds ago. Oh and a kid starts to scream or a dog runs out of the house. FOR REAL? is this just my house? It's like our bladders and bowels are linked. The moment I have to go to the bathroom so does every breathing creature in my house, and as you all know that number is ever growing, although we did lose our fish a few moths ago when the kids decided he needed deodorant.

   It's even worse when Aunt Flow is around. Obviously not something that the kids need to know at the ages of 2 and 4, but since they wont ever leave me be I have to lock them out. Its almost a race to the bathroom to lock them out, they sense its coming, they KNOW. And suddenly they need a drink and a snack, and He hit me and she took my toy and WAAAHHAAAA! And then there's Reha with her nasty hot breath in your face which is her way of saying she needs out.

   And by the time you get back from all of that they are waiting for you at the bathroom door... Dang.. fooled again.

 

   I dream of a bathroom that not only has an amazing tub in it, something like this in case you want to buy me something for my birthday...

(I will take care of getting the chandelier, but I will need the fireplace provided.. Thanks.) But also with soundproof walls. This way when I finally make it in there on my own, I will not be disrupted by children screaming bloody murder over who gets to hold Iron Man.

 

Now that we have brought up the bath however lets travel to that. A few of you know that I have a very weird trait of not liking to be touched with something wet on my dry skin. I know its weird but it really gives me the eebie jeebies. It just feels wrong, even if I wipe it off. It has to be my choice, it has to be planned, otherwise it makes me mad. I go to soak in the tub and the kids find a reason to come in. I cant take a bath after they go to bed because it shares a wall with Ellie and it will wake her up. Its like she has a fear of someone getting clean without her. She hears the water and she starts to take her clothes off, ok so sometimes she is already naked. Either way, they come in and want to get in, if I say no they say " I just want to talk to you" Which really means, let me play in your tub water even when you say no. Or my favorite " let me wash your back" which results in them dripping water down my back.. ** shudders**

I just don't understand why, when they see me all day everyday that they have to be with me at these exact moments. Even better in public places they like to scream out what you are doing.

Has any other mom experienced this as often as I do?

" AND YOUR WIPING YOUR GYNA?? RIGHT??" Seriously? the entire customer base of WalMart did not need to know that Ellie, but thanks for shredding the last bit of modesty I had. Might as well just drop my pants in the middle of the aisle and allow it to be recorded for the People of WalMart emails.

 

And this my childless friends is what you have to look forward to.

sick day schmick day

   Woke up feeling not so fabulous. But the life of a mom means.. suck it up buttercup. And that is exactly what I did. I dosed myself up on some vitamin C, made my coffee a little warmer than usual and put it in my to go cup and out the door we went for pre-school. Granted we were not in tip top shape walking out the door, JT was still slightly pink faced as a result from the birthday party we went to last night where the birthday boy turned him into Spiderman with face paint. He did a great job, and it really stays on there.
   Note to self, next time we face paint it should be at the end of the week and not the beginning.
   Porter stayed in a sleeper and I threw on some comfy gym pants a t-shirt and didn't even bother with hair. My intentions were to stop for some Apple cider and head my hind back home to finish watching the movie I had begged Ian to watch with me last night and then passed out half an hour into.
   Walmart was fun, as it is every time I take Ellie in. Of course the moment we walk in the store she has to pee. and of COURSE they would be cleaning the front bathrooms so we had to walk to the back. But we ended up getting out of there in under $50 and only one "So help me Ellie" I think that's a record. no seriously.
   On the way out though is when it started, the lovely part of your sick day that you cant take a sick day for. Ellie looked at me and said " what's on your face?" pointing to the pimple I got that showed up yesterday like it does every time I get sick, that I didn't bother covering this morning. I told her
    what it was and she says... "EW, what's it doing on your face? " valid question. remember it in 10 years. . . BWAHAHAHA!
   Nevertheless I get home and make plans for a friend to bring JT home so I don't have to make my way back out for a bit, and settle down with some hot tea and some water. Fluids are your friend when you are sick, remember that. And, while they are great for combating colds and such, they are also great for making you get up to pee every ten minutes. But what can you do?
   Porter stared acting a bit crab apple-ish so I put him down for a nap. Ellie was only behind by about an hour, mainly because I was tired of arguing and losing to a 2 year old by default. After her nap I sent JT up to let her out of her room and when she didn't follow him down I peeled myself off the couch and went in search of her new masterpiece/disaster. I found it.
   As my daughter quickly throws something in the corner of my bathroom I find her covered in a quarter of a $22 bottle moisturizing mask. Really Ell? Really? She clearly has never heard the statement " Soft as a babies bottom" because she felt the need to moisturize that puppy too.
   Thankfully Ian stopped on the way home and brought me some soup. And even though he has to leave in a bit for a meeting, I feel well equipped to deal with the kids, even if that means an On Demand movie rental and some popcorn, while I lay on my too short couch covered in a down comforter with the windows open sipping on ice water and hot cider.
    It may not make sense to you, but its temperature regulating.. don't judge me. you probably do weird things when you don't feel good too, like eat tomato soup.

   In summary here is my sick selfie: (everyone loves a selfie, even if you don't admit to it by posting them)  And don't worry, I will be back to my witty fabulous self in no time... even if it requires overdosing on some vitamins.

Ignorance is bliss

   Today was a crap day. Not the whole day, my morning was fabulous, but the afternoon was a mix of screams, tears, messes and broken things. I am fine, I will deal. But I spend my evening just hanging out watching tv, flipping through the channels and binge emotional eating.
   I came across the following TV show title, and it really got me thinking.
                " Giant Squid; The Monster is Real"
  Here is what it got me thinking... Yeah... NOPE.
   As a kid I was not afraid of the ocean, a horrible swimmer but I could touch and I was never alone. I didn't think about the fact that there were sharks in that water, bugs and fish and germs and scary creepy looking things. The creek was a fun place to play, until I realized there were frogs and crawdads and mosquito eggs in it. Roller coasters were fun, I loved the feeling of the track shaking and being tossed around in the seat, but then I got old enough to actually hear what they were saying on the news.
   Planes fall from the sky, people get shot, cars crash, people get sick. Things happen, Life happens.
   But here is the thing. You can't be scared of everything.. except spiders, they are fair game. Honestly I take that back, anything with more limbs than you, I feel like that is justified.  But if you spend your life locked up in an experience bubble, you can't live. There is a difference between spending time and living in it.
   What is the point in spending time on this earth if you can't set your fears aside and love, live happily, live fearlessly. I am not saying be dumb. remember that there are people who love you, people who depend on you to make their lives whole. But mainly take a moment out of the crazy life that has become adulthood and remember to look at the world through the wonderful, mesmerized eyes of a child. Forget that there are creepy crawly bugs, and big scary crazy people in the world and turn your mountains back into mole hills. Have fun rolling in the grass, laugh a little too long, get lost in a book, stomp in the mud puddles, people watch.
   Mainly I speak to myself. For I have forgotten that the house doesn't have to be clean to have a good time, that building a fort is sometimes more important than having dinner on the table. That finger painting should take priority over scrubbing the bathroom.


   Have a fabulous rest of the night readers. You are much appreciated!