James,
As I sit here tonight, less than a month after you turned 5, a birthday you looked forward to for 364 days, I am reminded that tomorrow is my last day with you before you are officially a school ager.
And I would be lying if I said I was not the typical mom bawling her eyes out. For the last 6 years I have thought of you every day. I watched as month after month only one line showed up, and then when there were finally two I waited for your first kick, I counted the times you moved inside my belly. My heart skipped a beat listening to yours at the doctors, and I obsessed over every detail of your arrival.
As a little girl I always knew I would be a Mommy. I knew that I would have babies, and I knew that I would nurse them from my body and nurture them from my soul. But I never could have imagined how amazing it would be. I had heard the sound of a baby's giggles but nobody told me that I would hear them with my heart when they came from my own child. No one could have ever prepared me for the ache I would feel the first time you were hurt, and again the first time your feelings were hurt by another.
Since you, I have birthed 2 more beautiful children, each with their own set of troubles, achievements and experiences. Each of them have touched my heart in a way that I never could have thought possible, but as the first I get to go through a lot of things with you. Your first steps were also my own, and your first day of Pre-School last year was the first time that I had ever entrusted someone else to teach my child on a regular basis. To love my child, to care for them daily. But somehow it was ok. I shed no tears, and I was confident that you would go and have a great time. I knew that I would not be sad, so this year kind of snuck up on me.
On Tuesday, as I am surrounded by our family and watch you climb on the bus for the very first time I am sure now that I will cry; that your Daddy will have to stop me from changing my mind, from driving you to school just to keep you mine a little longer. But not because I don't think you are ready. Because I am not ready to share your beauty with the rest of the world.
You may be small, James, but you have one of the biggest hearts for people that I have ever seen. It touches me every single time I hear you pray for your friends. It inspires me every time I watch you forgive and forget the way that I should, but sometimes can't. It moves me each and every time I watch you hold the door for a stranger, or share something with someone who doesn't have the same as you. It warms my heart every time I hear you talk to your sister when she is scared and remind her that Jesus lives in her heart and there is no reason to be afraid. It chisels through my anger every time I look into your eyes and see the smile that comes from the center of your being and reminds me that no matter how rough of a day I have had, or doubts that I have let creep in, that I have all of the things that I wanted so deeply out of life.
I have love, beauty, the gift of being a mother, the blessing of being loved by others, I have little eyes that admire me and little hands to hold and keep safe. I have a home, filled with laughter and tears and screams and meows and barks that are all part of a beautiful life that I have been Blessed by God with, when I didn't deserve it. I have Forgiveness and Grace and Dreams.
Thank you for being everything I ever dreamed of, and nothing I ever expected. Thank you for calling me Mommy, and loving me when I don't do everything right. Thank you for teaching me that its ok to not be perfect, because without your innocence and unconditional love I am not sure I would have been able to accept that lesson.
I promise I will be ok by the time you get home from school. I will be there waiting for you with a smile on my face and eager ears to hear all about your day. So go forth, touch the world with all of the amazing gifts that you have to offer and never ever lose sight of what makes you such an amazing person. Never learn the fear of praying publicly, never accept the lies that others can feed you and always, always, always remember that you are special, you are unique and there is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with being who God made you to be, He made you with a purpose, and I have no doubt that you are going to fulfill that. Thankfully it is up to Him, because if it weren't I would keep you safe in my arms forever.
Happy First Day of Kindergarten Little Man. I can't believe the time has come to pass so soon, but since it has I will open my arms and embrace this new season of our lives... Just don't question the van behind the school bus, or the brown hair peeking out from behind the light pole.
I love you.
Your Mama.
