A friend asked me a few months ago if I have "issues" with my husband. The question made me laugh. Nothing against the friend of course but it really got me thinking of how lucky I am to have such an amazing husband. Granted this is not something that I have just discovered.. I am a pretty smart girl and I figured that somewhere under all of his glorious early 20's stupidity (sorry hunny) there was an absolutely wonderful man waiting for me to find.
I know this is every woman's dream.. whether they like to admit it or not... to find the misunderstood, bad boy and turn him into this great guy. I did not turn him into anything however, so please don't think something that never happened... I merely expected more of him, and he happened to surpass my expectations.
My marriage has not always been wonderful. Actually for a while ( I say while but keep in mind I am only 3 years into this life long journey) it was terrible, not that I would ever leave him, or ever doubted that we would figure it out , I actually PRAYED LIKE HELL we would figure it out. well Really I guess I should start at the beginning...
( If my blog were a movie or a play this is where we would pause to say.. you might want to get comfy, this might take a while)
I met my husband when I was 18. We worked together at TGI Fridays... fancy and romantic huh? I was just out of a long term relationship with a really great guy, who I honestly ( out comes my teen naive self) thought I might marry someday. The break-up was my doing, but that did not make it any easier, and I actually kept the whole thing to myself for months. It was not until right before Christmas that my co-workers found out, during a conversation about what to buy our significant others, a conversation I remember clearly being a bit painful and something I wanted to avoid, but of course... the question turned to me. I did not go into details, just stated that we were no longer together, so there would be no gift buying and walked away.
Before leaving that night Ian asked for my number. We had worked together for months but I really knew nothing about him, and don't remember much talking between the two of us before then, but after some smart-ass remarks.. (good part is he remembers none of this) I gave it to him. It took some convincing from a friend but I accepted a date. We went on a few, I was an emotional wreck (he does not remember any of this either) and found that we actually enjoyed each others company.
Maybe I was just trying to piss off my ex, or my parents who thought it was too soon to be getting serious with someone else, or I actually just liked him, but he was nothing.. and I mean nothing.. like the man I had imagined all my life that I would marry... But still.. there was something.
We started off pretty rocky to be honest, we were inseparable, but he refused to admit he had feelings for me, I hated pretty much everything he did outside of wanting to spend time with me... again... charming huh?
We broke up (whew.. my apologies to those of you who had to deal with me during that time) and I ended up with a cat and a dog... He still tries to convince me that since I went off and got animals without him he gets 100% say so in the next one... have I mentioned how funny he is??
Both before and after our breakup I let him know that he would marry me one day. I drove him crazy (perhaps the reason we broke up in the first place?? hmmm... hind sight is lovely isn't it?) by telling him several times a week. I also let him know I was perfect for him... Funny.. he remembers this part.
It was a few months later, and unfortunately a few moves later as well, that he proposed to me. Here is the cute part...
We were skydiving that day in Orange County. It was his second jump, first AFF (accelerated free fall) but my seventh. ( total blast for anyone who has not done it before.. well worth the money!) We were all called to the back side of the building to discuss our changed landing patterns, when I walked around the side there was a video camera the largest bouquet of flowers I have ever received and Ian, along with his family and my best friend standing there waiting for me... Oh and about 100 other people.
He got down on his knee and told me how much he loved me, that he was about to take a very scary, very big jump out of a plane, but before he did that he wanted to take a larger jump in our relationship and marry me. The poor guy was so nervous that he put the ring on the wrong hand.
We had a wonderful wedding... the planning of which was fun, but horrible for our relationship, much like a lot of other married couples. Before we could get married we had to attend a pre
The first month or so was great, we thought that the fighting was just because of the wedding plans yadda yadda yadda. Really we were just too happy to have it over with to keep fighting for the time being. It did not last that long, and then we found out we were pregnant.
The first year of our marriage was a lot of crying and fighting, a lot of resentment. When JT came along we had another short break from fighting. Ian was working 70-80 hours a week to help us get out of my parents place. We had decided that I would be a stay at home mom, and I took that job very very seriously. I was nursing and honestly think I may have showered 2 times a week. It was scary, I felt like I was doing it alone and I wanted to do the best that I could, so I just kept my fears and anger to myself.
Any married person will tell you that this is a mistake. Pent up fears and anxiety do not stay pent up for long. They come out in ways that are very hard to deal with.. for instance yelling at a baby who did nothing wrong (been there). Breaking down in tears in public for no "apparent" reason (been there). Placing blame on things that can not possibly be the real problem (been there).. Honestly I will stop there because this list just goes on and on.
About 8 months after JT was born we were able to move into a townhouse. Renting- not our original pre-pregnancy plan- but we had our things back, space, breathing room.. curtains... We had another brief period of bliss.. and family visits, unpacking etc to focus on.
A month later WHAM I was pregnant again. This time was definitely not planned. We strapped our game faces on and pushed through, again a terrible idea if you want a marriage to work. (does anyone else see where this is going?) We started to pick at the pieces a little at a time but were both too afraid to say what was on our minds. I would love to say that there is just one reason for that fear but that is not true. One reason is the lack of self esteem we both possessed, another is the fragile state of our marriage, the fear that once things were said they can never be put back in the bottle.
I can not say how Ian was feeling, but I know that I was lost, confused and miserable. I did not want to be stuck in a marriage that I did not know how to be happy in, but I believe in one marriage, one and only one soul mate, whatever it is that you want to call it, and I picked mine.. really it picked me... so what was I to do?
Let me give you the answer here...... FIX IT
There is no multiple choice here. There is only one answer, and boy was it a lot scarier and bigger than anything I had ever faced. Because what I was facing was not how do I fix him. Not how do we fix our marriage. Not how do I change him, how do I change our arguing... it was How do I fix me? Where do I start? What can I change? What can I do differently? And it was then that our marriage started to budge. When the harsh reality that I married this man, I love this man- just the way he is- and the thing I don't like is me hit me in the face I could do one of two things.
1. run
2. Take a long look in the mirror and just start somewhere, face the music and finally be happy.
Now I would love to say that things are all rainbows and butterflies and sunshine.. but they aren't. Its work, but its rewarding and its amazing. I just celebrated my 3rd anniversary with Ian, it was the best year we have had together, and even though there is a lot of work to be done... He is working on himself as well... Maybe next year we will meet in the middle, who knows. but its by far the best journey I will ever take.
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