"sort-of" Pregnant

   A few weeks ago I got a feeling that I had had once (actually twice) before. I knew I was pregnant. It did not make any sense because I (if anyone else recalls) had an IUD placed at my 6 week check-up after Ellie was born. Yet...  call it female intuition, a 6th sense, a really good memory.. whatever...  I was laying in bed at 1 in the morning and knew.   I made Ian go to the store and get a test. He came home with 2. The first of which was invalid, the second of which was positive immediately and then the second line went away. I was surely not satisfied with that answer so I threw on some sweats and went for another round of tests.
  So there I am in the store at almost 2 am buying pregnancy tests.. which quite frankly made me feel like an idiot! None the less I bring them home and take both at the same time.. One negative and one faintly positive. CRAP
   I hardly sleep (completely freaking out) and wait ever so impatiently to call the doctor for an appointment, however they do not open until 9..  who opens that late???  They are thankfully able to get me in that afternoon.
   Feeling nervous and scared I go in for an ultrasound that showed a small fetal sac (approximately 4 weeks) but that is all. My IUD is removed and I am on my way to the lab to get some blood drawn.
   The next day I make a call to the doctor to ask a question and the nurse tells me that my lab results are in. Of course being anxious to know I ask what they are and she says something that I did NOT expect...
   "Your results were negative"

Umm.. Excuse me?  I saw the sac, The doctor would not have removed my BIRTH CONTROL (that I am still paying on btw) If I was not indeed pregnant. This has to be a mistake. They ask me to come back for another blood test which I find out the next day is also negative.

   Now wait...  I just don't understand. The results are negative, but I have a positive pregnancy test still sitting on my counter... and.. and..


  The doctor says that one of 2 things could have happened but there is no way to tell..  Either.. I "miscarried" when my IUD was removed, or I have what is called a "blighted ovum" which is where a sac is formed but a baby is not actually there, resulting in an empty womb. Either way, there is no baby, I am not pregnant and expect to "miscarry" within a few days.
  There are just some problems with this answer.. I still FEEL pregnant. I still don't understand. And most of all.. I am sad, confused.... ANGRY. It has been 2 weeks. In that time I have cried like crazy, prayed even harder, and fought the strong urge to climb in my bed and not get out for a few days... or months. But without having that option I get up and go about my day. Still a little confused and angry, and sad.
  In that time 2 of my friends have announced their pregnancy  (congrats by the way, from the very deepenst part of my heart), we got excited and told family and some close friends, and I have still not passed the "baby". I feel like I did when we were trying to conceive, when I watched 7 friends get pregnant and countless women glow in the stores and on the streets. It seemed everywhere I went there was someone who was pregnant. Now however, I am pregnant and I have 2 babies at home to love on when I get sad and to think of  and be thankful for when I get angry, but I want to be positive, I want to be ok with all of this, and I want to know where to go from here.
  Do we try to conceive and go through that heart ache again? Do we chose to let God decide for us again like we did with Ellie? Do we go back to the original 2 year plan? And how do I deal with this loss when I have not lost anything yet, and there was nothing really there to lose?
   I have a slight numbness inside that I know I can not allow to stay there, but that numbness was the only thing that pulled me out of my 2 day crying, sobbing, sniffling, depressed and angry state. So I sit here, opening up to the world..  while "sort of" pregnant, and knowing that one day I will find my answer.


  Please know that even though I am sharing this with you all, I do not want to be pitied, I do not want your apologies, because you did nothing wrong. I do not want you to dance around my feelings, because I am strong and I will figure this out. And I ask that you not try to give me words of encouragement because frankly I am not sure how to process them at this time.. I simply wanted to share with you what is going on in my life right now. I needed to get it off my chest, lay it on the table and start sorting through. So for the words that you were planning on giving me, I thank you for your kindness and your well thoughts. I thank you for wanting to be my friends, because I need them in this time of confusion for me, and one day I will be willing to talk to you about it if I have not already opened up to you personally.. Until then... I hope that you never have to go through it for yourself.