on days like today.

   Some days I feel on top of the world. Like I really have this whole mother and wife thing down. Like this is obviously what I was meant to be doing, and you know what? it's really not that bad. Today is not one of them.
   Today I feel like I am just barely keeping my head above water and that I probably raised my voice a lot more than I should. That maybe the best way to deal with getting smacked in the face for the 50th time today by the screaming, teething, snotty, refuses to keep his diaper on baby that got woken up by his older siblings who refuse to keep their voices down or stop running up and down the stairs and hallway outside of his room during nap time, was not to scream and smack him on the hand.
   Perhaps the best reaction to getting irritated that my husband has to work until after bed time for the 3rd night in a row despite telling his boss that he needed to be home, because I had somewhere to be, was not to go on a rampage and start throwing things in the trash and in the closet because I tripped and am sick of looking at them.
   Maybe I could have found a better way to deal with my poor attitude and plain exhaustion from having to clean up after a house full of people and pets. Maybe I wouldn't even be in the mess if I had just gone to the store yesterday like I should have and gotten the groceries I needed and the creamer for my coffee. But.. that didn't happen because I procrastinated and didn't prepare the way I should have, and since the rude ladies in the grocery store I have kind of been avoiding that trip, as if running out of food in my house will prevent people from being down right mean.
   Maybe I just need a long hot bath and some mommy time. Maybe I just need a maid.
   Today, I don't feel like I am in control of my house, I don't want to play mommy, I want to play Stacey.. the girl who used to procrastinate until the last minute, but still manage to get things done. the girl who had time for friends and family and enjoyed her job. The girl who loved school and found time to scrap book and finish projects that she started.  I want to play the dream person that I thought I would be, the one who actually put clothes away and knew which pile was clean and which was dirty. The lady who would do crafts with her kids and had fun summers planned and didn't make her children cry. Not the lady who walks through the house on bad days and can almost see the steam coming out of her own ears at the lack of respect for expensive things, and the inability for anyone to put things away where I ask them to go.
   Today I don't want to answer the same questions over and over and over... And I second guess telling the pregnant lady I met last week that 3 is easier than 2.. because today I feel like I lied to her. You know what's easier than 2? A cat.
   And the worst part is that when I sneak to my bedroom on days like today I tell myself that there is no reason to be like this. There is no reason to feel this way, because I am so blessed. I am so in love with my children and my husband and I appreciate his job because it allows me to do everything I had always wanted when we first married. There is no reason to let the little things bother me, because at the very worst tomorrow is a new day and I don't have to live in the past, I just have to strive to be better than the day before.
   On the outside though... being a mom is hard any day, but its really hard on the days when you are having a hard time keeping yourself together, because then you have to wonder how you are affecting your children. And you always want so much more for them. I don't want them to see the really awful days.
   I want them to remember that I love them. So while I am here sulking in my miserable day, still without a van, and a car that now only has air in defrost mode on a nearly 100 degree day, I am hoping that your day was not like mine. And I plan on sitting down in my gross, carpets need cleaned, walls need wiped, what is that smell house as soon as my children are finally asleep and reminding myself that today is over, and I can't achieve the greatness I was meant for by letting the devil win today. I am better than that. Even on the crappiest of days I know that, and since today is one of those... the least I can do is move myself forward a millimeter, because even a victory by a thread is a victory, and I am a winner, even if my eyes are puffy in the morning. Because at the very least my children can remember that.